Complexity of Guilt and Conscience III

Ya.. banyak kali aku cuba kembali semula ke track yang sepatutnya setelah sedar diri tersesat jauh.. Kerja-kerja tergendala aku susun prioritynya untuk diselesaikan.. Tapi disebabkan terlalu banyak.. Tugas aku turut diberikan pada insan-insan lain untuk tolong disiapkan.. (Terima kasih yang tak dapat dibalas buat Wan, Nurul dan Kwati)..  Aku tak mampu.. Tekanan itu tersangat dirasa.. Aku boleh buat muka seposen, konon senyum.. pamerkan muka seolah-olah tak bersalah.. Tapi jauh di sudut hati.. maruah aku ibarat terguris tak dapat dipulih. Sungguh.. ibarat gelas kaca yang retak.. itulah yang kurasakan..

Sejak dari dulu.. inilah antara prinsip hidupku.. "Bantulah sesiapa jua yang memerlukan pertolongan.. Permudahkanlah urusan mereka.. kerana sesungguhnya Allah pasti akan mempermudahkan jalanku.." dan prinsip yang kupegang ini terbukti.. Allah membalas dengan segala macam rezeki yang tak akan mungkin dapat aku senaraikan di sini.. Namun.. Maaf.. Maaf yang teramat terutama bagi mereka yang menghubungiku sepanjang tempoh getir hidupku.. 

Saat aku menerima beratus-ratus panggilan tidak di jawab.. pesanan ringkas.. whatsapp.. messenger.. Tekanan dalam diri seolah-olah ibarat pressure cooker.. bersalah kerana tidak menjawab dan membalas.. tapi lagi tertekan memikirkan jawapan dan alasan apakah yang ingin aku berikan...  akhirnya.. hanya jeritan dalam diam yang mampu aku telan.. Maafkan aku.. Aku mengaku aku cukup tertekan waktu itu (dan sehingga saat aku menulis ini pun)..

Rasa bersalah yang teramat pada Prof.. hari ini.. 14/01/18 Prof mengorbankan hujung minggunya untuk bersama kami.. sekali lagi.. aku terpaksa menyarung topeng lutsinar.. yang orang tak nampak tapi hanya aku yang tahu dan rasa.. entah berapa kali air mataku bergenang.. menghadirkan diri di hadapan orang-orang yang aku sangat kasihi seperti ma dan abah.. wearing the poker face.. disebabkan aku tak mampu menyiapkan tugasanku.. Maaf Prof.. Maaf tersangat maaf buat yang ke entah berapa kalinya.. terlalu banyak yang perlu dibuat.. 😔😔😔

Aku adalah seorang yang perfectionist.. (merujuk kepada entry aku sebelum ni tentang personality diriku..) benar.. ini antara komen yang sangat kerap aku terima.. makin lama, characteristic ini seolah-olah turut memakan diri.. Aku tak boleh buat kerja separuh jiwa.. maksud kata.. bukan sekadar nak siap.. sungguh.. aku tak boleh hantar sesuatu kerja atau tugasan tu kalau aku tak puas hati bukan setakat isinya, tapi termasuk segala ukuran inci kiri dan kanannya.. aku memang tak boleh.. 

Kerana itulah.. walaupun sejak Ahad yang lalu.. seminggu sudah aku menjejakkan kembali kaki di bumi UMP ini setelah Prof menghubungi mamaku meminta aku focus pada PhD.. aku masih tidak mampu siapkan kerjaku.. tegang pada bahu.. lenguh dan sakit pinggang.. loya.. nak muntah segala rasa ada.. Jika mengikut kata hati dan emosi negatif, ingin sekali aku melarikan diri tanpa berjumpa dengan Prof petang tadi.. Tapi cukup-cukuplah wahai diri.. Cukuplah.. Kesalahan kau dah terlalu banyak jika dihimpun.. Jangan ke'sengaja'an itu melenyapkan terus sekelumit kesedaran yang ada dalam diri.. biarlah harini hari akhir kekusutan membelenggu diri.. moga hari-hari mendatang segala simpulan terungkai dan lerai..

Selesai perjumpaan.. aku menghubungi mamaku.. "Along memang tidak akan balik selagi belum siap apa yang sepatutnya dibuat.." Itu kataku.. Setelah abah pergi.. benar-benar kehilangan itu amat dirasai.. abah yang menjadi center of our family.. abah yang menjadi pusat rujukan kami.. seolah-olah aku merasakan bahawa dahan berpaut itu patah tiada ganti.. bagaimana harus aku mengemudi keluarga kami.. segala-galanya aku rasakan sangat kompleks. 

November lalu.. Allah hadirkan rezeki dalam ujian yang penuh cabaran.. kami sekeluarga dipersimpangan.. pendapat ma ditanya.. dan tertakliflah ke atas ku sebuah amanah lain yang harus dilakukan.  Segala keputusan terpaksa dilakukan dalam masa yang singkat.. dari seminggu, sebulan terpaksa dikorbankan.. di saat getir itu datang.. aku tersepit.. terjerut dengan rasa keserabutan yang teramat sangat.. Ya.. aku bukan anak yang baik.. tapi patahkata dari adikku membuatkan aku bertambah celaru..

"Along..! Ma waser hati ngan mu.. Ma kabo mu tak pernah-pernah jadi gini.. disebabkan kedai boleh jadi anak derhaka.." Berat.. berat.. berat sangat tanggungan itu.. Along mintak maaf Ma.. tapi moga peluang dan rezeki yang Allah telah berikan pada kita membawa kita sekeluarga lebih dekat kepada-Nya.. bukan makin menjauhi apatah lagi hukuman anak derhaka itu terlalu berat kurasa.. sedih.. aku bukan sengaja meninggikan suara.. tidak ada langsung walau sebesar hama niatku berkurang ajar dengan insan yang mengandungkan, melahirkan, menyusukan, membesarkan aku.. Hari-hari aku doakan moga ma meredhai diriku walau salahku tak terhitung rasanya..

aku pasrah.. banyak kali emosi menguasai diri.. disaat perasaanku terlampau tertekan.. aku tewas dengan perasaan.. the guilty is too complex that my conscience is almost overshadowed by them.. rasa bersalah pada ma dan keluarga yang seolah-olah aku anak sulung yang menyusahkan.. rasa bersalah pada Prof yang saban hari bertanyakan status keberadaan dan progress penyelidikanku.. rasa bersalah pada adikku yang terpaksa mengorbankan masa dan menangguh cita-cita.. paling teruk dirasakan adalah rasa bersalah pada arwah abah.. aku gagal melaksanakan amanahnya supaya kami adik-beradik bersatu hati sentiasa.. diriku kurasakan ibarat sedang di blender.. sungguh.. aku benar-benar tertekan.. Maafkan aku.. mohon maafkan diriku.. aku benar-benar ingin hidup mulia di dunia dan dikurniakan ihsan Allah untuk ke syurga-Nya..

Aku juga mohon.. tolonglah.. berikanlah aku sedikit masa lagi supaya aku betul-betul boleh mengutip kembali sisa-sisa semangat dalam diri.. menyusun kembali langkah dan kembali teguh berdiri.. infiniti terima kasih kerana memahami.. cukup.. inilah yang amat aku perlukan ketika ini.. dan jugak doa-doa yang tidak putus agar aku sentiasa dipermudahkan urusan..

Semoga entry kali ini menjadi saksi dan reminder untukku sepanjang tahun ini.. cukuplah hari ini aku berkelakuan sebegini.. jika resolusi 2018 ingin direalisasi.. berubahlah wahai diri.! jangan buat perangai bodoh lagi.. aku ingin menjadi aku yang dahulu.. yang bersedia memberi bantuan pada bila-bila masa yang diperlukan.. aku ingin menjadi aku yang dulu.. yang mampu menggalas amanah yang diberikan dengan kesempurnaan.. Tolong doakan aku.. 

"Rabbi yassir wala tu'assir, rabbi tammim bilkhair.."
Amin ya Rabbal Alamin..

May Allah lead my conscience always.. 

The complex of guilty.. 

cukuplah disini.. 

N.O.K.T.A.H.

Complexity of Guilt and Conscience

Bismillahhirahmanirrahim.. Alhamdulillah.. 

It has been half month of January. I'm still given another chance by Allah The Most Gracious and The Most Merciful.. to breathe the air in this worldly life.. of which I consciously know that Allah is giving another chance for me to lead the rightful path of life. 😔 

Amaran.. 

Entry ini adalah sangat personal dan panjang..! 

Sebagai pedoman aku di masa hadapan.

Entry kali ini aku memilih untuk berbahasa ibunda sebagai keutamaan kerana aku rasa sedikit susah untuk memilih kata-kata yang sesuai dalam English dan terpaksa spend masa yang lama untuk tulis sentences.. Entry ini terkandung kata-kata emosi, kasar dan penuh negativiti.. Dengan harapan, inilah entry terakhir aku menjadi orang yang sedemikian.. kata kawanku.. the Ai Chia.. Tempoh ini adalah tempoh paling WORST aku.. dan ya.. aku mengaku.. 😭😭😭

hurm.. jujur aku cakap.. sebenarnya body text bertajuk "Complexity of Guilt and Conscience" ini telah banyak kali aku tulis, padam, edit, save as draft dari akhir tahun 2016 sampailah ke hari ini belum dapat publish. Aku harap berjayalah aku post entry ini kali ini.. entry pertama di tahun baru ini dengan harapan semoga Resolusi 2018 aku berjaya dicapai dan terlaksana sempurna.. 

Hey diri.! Konon menulis resolusi diri.. kalau engkau masih begini.. tak kan pernah mungkin terjadi.. 

RESOLUSI TINGGAL MIMPI.. RESOLUSI SEKADAR ILUSI..

"Allah tidak akan mengubah nasib sesuatu kaum itu sehingga mereka mengubah keadaan yang ada pada mereka sendiri.." Ar Rad 11.. 

Aku.. Tahun ini.. dah berusia 30 tahun. 30 tahun bukan lagi generasi belia bak kata YBKJ.. 30 tahun sudah sepatutnya berusia dewasa, yang matang tindak tanduk fikirannya... yang bertanggungjawab terhadap setiap consequence keputusannya... Tapi aku.... hari ini.. saat menulis entry ini.. Aku masih bengong... masih bengong seriously.. Entah yang kesekian kalinya.. aku buat perangai bengong sebegini.. sudah-sudahlah tu Nazmy! Makin tahun makin teruk perangai.. berubahlah!

Dulu masa tahun akhir undergrad di USMKKj 2011, aku berbuat salah pada Dr Norlia dengan ponteng kelas Dr. Aku pun tak tahulah kenapa aku buat perangai macam tu.. Cuma bila sekali Dr tanya pasal aku dekat kawan (masa tu aku tak pakai lagi smartfon atau fon canggih-canggih.. cuma pakai telefon 3310 je).. Aku terus jumpa Dr personally dan mintak maaf (moga Dr dah maafkan dan halalkan).. aku ingat sem akhir nilah zaman gelap, zaman jatuh aku.. rupanya tak.. sekarang makin dahsyat dan menjadi-jadi.. Then.. Dr supervised FYP aku sampai boleh siapkan... Alhamdulillah.. berjaya tamatkan degree.. yang pada waktu itu, yang kukira dah hampir nyawa-nyawa ikan.. sumpah.. Kechik, Nisah, Pika, Koi.. aku rasa mereka inilah yang paling layak menjadi saksi betapa besarnya kemungkinan aku untuk extend study masa tu..

Tahun 2011.. aku balik rumah lepas exam final.. dikejutkan dengan keadaan belakang telinga abah dioperate.. Ya Allah.. tak tahu apa gambaran perasaan masa tu.. kata mereka... tak nak bagitahu aku yang tengah exam.. abah pun sihat macam biasa.. dalam hati, tak tahu betapa banyak aku sumpahseranahkan adik-adik aku sebab tak bagitahu. siyes. Alhamdulillah lepas itu.. abah sihat  tubuh badan walaupun telinga abah sentiasa berdarah dan masih sakit.. Kanser stage 1... In shaa Allah boleh ikhtiar penyembuhannya kata abah.. (dalam entry yang akan datanglah mungkin baru aku ceritakan pelbagai cara, pelbagai ikhtiar, pelbagai jalan yang telah abah ikhtiarkan)..

Berbalik kepada kisah complexity dalam diri.. Mungkin dari sinilah bermulanya fasa denial dalam hidup aku... Aku anak sulung dalam keluarga.. Redha ma dan abah sangat didamba.. aku perlu set satu benchmark untuk adik-adik kata abah.. abah nak aku teruskan pengajian sehingga ke peringkat PhD (Ya.. memang inilah jugak impian aku dari zaman sekolah lagi..) dan itulah cantiknya aturan Allah..

September 2013, berdaftar di GSB USM sebagai pelajar MBA-IB.. sem pertama dan aku telah mohon cuti satu bulan kerana ingin berada di rumah menemani adik-adikku.. Ma dan abah dapat ke Mekah menunaikan haji masa ni.. A year after.. September 2014.. sedikit demi sedikit, complexity dalam diri bertambah hari demi hari.. ketika ini berada jauh dari rumah memenuhi MBA IB qualification iaitu student exchange program di Universitas Gadjah Mada, Indonesia.. dikhabarkan berita ma masuk wad dan abah akan hadir sesi kimoterapi kali pertama pada 13 Oct 2014.. aku tahu keadaan makin serius.. konflik dalam diri makin kritikal.. aku balik ke Malaysia menemani abah, ma dan keluarga untuk sesi kimo abah.. sesi-sesi seterusnya aku tidak mampu menghadirkan diri..

Fahamkah kalian perasaan seorang anak.. yang sangat-sangat mengharapkan untuk sentiasa berada di sisi kedua-dua ma dan abah.. rasa bersalah.. rasa berdosa.. rasa sia-sia... rasa anak yang derhaka sebab saat aku sakit elergik ruam gatal2.. tengah malam buta pun abah dan ma bangun sapu ubat (walaupun umur dah lebih 25 tahun masa tu).. ya.. aku menulis sekarang dengan rasa sebak dan sedih sebab abah dah takde dan aku rasa aku tak da buat apa-apa sangat untuk arwah abah masa abah tanggung sakitnya...

Tahun 2015.. aku dah berada di Malaysia untuk semester akhir.. Masa ini buat project management under Dr Rajendran.. Dr Rajen pun baik sangat-sangat.. Tapi.. aku buat perangai. Aku tak datang jumpa Dr untuk present progress.. masa tu, walaupun aku tak datang jumpa Dr Rajen, disebabkan that little conscience yang aku ada.. aku siapkan kerja sebaik mungkin dan aku update pada Dr melalui emel.. sampai akhirnya aku dapat A untuk project management dan membolehkan aku berijazah dengan anugerah dekan buat pertama kalinya sepanjang bergelar pelajar.. Alhamdulillah.. Terima kasih Dr..

Dan masa MBA inilah aku mengenali Prof Hasnah dan Prof Ishak.. yang aku tak dapat nak describe betapa bertuahnya Allah aturkan pertemuan aku dengan Prof berdua yang sangat-sangat-sangat baik, lemah-lembut, rendah diri.. Dua-dua mereka bergelar Dato' namun tak pernah aku setiap kali bersama mereka sewaktu makan atau dimana-mana membahasakan diri mereka Dato'. Kalau di restoran atau kedai makan.. Hanya kata ganti diri Makcik, Pakcik dan Nak yang digunakan ketika memanggil staf atau pekerja untuk memesan makanan... Tamat pengajian di USM.. aku meminta Prof menulis sedikit kenang-kenangan di buku tesis ku.. Janjiku pada Prof untuk sambung PhD bersamanya..

Aku ada tempoh masa dua bulan berada di rumah.. Aku bukan nak menidakkan takdir.. jauh sekali menyalahkan ketentuan yang Allah dah tetapkan. Aku terima qada' dan qadar-Nya.. Tapi mungkin masa tu aku tak tahu macam mana nak tenteramkan hati.. Sejak sesi kimo abah yang ke-4.. side effectnya dah mula menampakkan kesan.. rupa fizikal abah makin berubah.. aku jadi takut.. aku nak berada di rumah sahaja untuk bersama-sama ma dan abah.. Telefon aku pula bermasalah seolah-olah mengiakan keputusan yang aku buat. Mungkin belum masanya untuk aku sambung PhD.. Tapi Allah sebaik-baik Perancang.

Prof cuba hubungi aku.. K.wati pun cuba hubungi aku.. dan akhirnya aku dimaklumkan Prof bahawa beliau meneruskan khidmat di UMP.. kurang 3 jam perjalanan dari rumahku. Terima kasih Ya Allah.. Engkau permudahkan semuanya. Ma dan abah pun sangat-sangat gembira. Dengan bantuan Prof, aku apply dan diterima sebagai pelajar PhD.. kata Abah, Prof berdua orang-orang baik. Tuntutlah ilmu dan belajarlah dari mereka..

Sebulan dua berstatus baru, aku dikhabarkan berita oleh abah bahawa sebenarnya kanser abah dah berada di stage ke-4.. Lagi.. lagi dan lagi.. perasaan takut itu berganda.. perasaan yang bercampur-aduk bertambah kompleks. Dilema seorang anak ma dan abah yang ingin sentiasa berada dekat dengan keluarganya.. ditambah dilema seorang anak murid yang perlu beradab dan belajar dengan gurunya.. Aku cuba menjadi orang yang terbaik bagi kedua-duanya... Jika di rate kan, mungkin 2015/2016 adalah tempoh paling produktif, paling efektif dan paling efisien aku sepanjang hidup 30 tahun.

Akhir tahun 2016.. Keadaan bingung dan bengong aku makin menyesakkan fikiran.. dan 2017 adalah bagiku tahun penuh kesulitan.. konflik.. dan kesedihan.. (untuk tempoh setahun yang lepas dan sehingga ke hari ini.. aku masih belum betul-betul memposisikan diriku di track yang sepatutnya..) Banyak sangat-sangat berbuat salah dan silap kepada Prof berdua.. Maaf Prof.. benar-benar mohon maafkan diri ini.. Halalkan dan redhakan segala perkongsian ilmu yang lepas, kini dan akan datang..

Panjang sangat.. terpaksa cut and paste ke next entry..

"Complexity of Guilt and Conscience Part II"..

Ms. Perfect Melancholy + Peaceful Phlegmatic

Alhamdulillah.. Subhanallah.. Allahuakhbar..

The whole week busy with me-time.. huhuhu.. hopefully tomorrow will be a good kick-start again.. Will be attending the workshop organized by IPS and PGA UMP.. Preparing for some speech as the master of ceremony for this program.. huhuhu.. If possible, I want to excuse myself from it..

Don't know why I can't focus on my work, so I just went through my job application at CAREER @ UMP.. Checking the progress.. but it is still pending.. however.. in one of the links, I found out the personality test.. so, I took it immediately (well.. I am the person who always love to take any personality test.. of course will not let this opportunity pass)..

Upon answering all questions, it turned out that this personality test is similar like I used to take it before.. the four temperament with scored obtained:

Perfect Melancholy : 15

Peaceful Phlegmatic : 13

Powerful Choleric : 8

Popular Sanguine : 5

These scored obtained were more or less similar to previous tests I had taken.. Again.. Perfect Melancholy is the highest score followed by Peaceful Phlegmatic.. What kind of personality associates with these types? I asked some help from Uncle Google.. So here is some sharing of what kind of person a Perfect Melancholy and Peaceful Phlegmatic is..

The Four Temperament page excellently explained who am I..  A Perfect Melancholy (PM) person plus A Peaceful Phlegmatic who is usually associated with these kind of personalities:

First and foremost: a Perfect Melancholic is of course a perfectionist.. (T_T).. PM are idealists who wish for things to be a certain way, and they get distressed when they are not. They hold themselves and others to unrealistically high standards, and get distressed when these standards are not met. This leads to them being self-deprecating - because they do not meet their own standards - and critical of others - because those others do not meet their standards.

PM wish to learn and to understand, to know the details of every little thing, because to be ignorant is to stray from perfection. They are not content to just accept things the way that they are. They are inquisitive and ask specific questions in order to come to a clearer understanding. This leads many of them to be over-analytical, neurotic worriers. PM are very stubborn, because they try very hard to stick to their own carefully considered views and standards of perfection, and are not easily shifted from this path. They do not go with the flow. They are tenacious and cannot let things go, because 'good enough' is not good enough. They strive for perfection. They are very pessimistic, and assume the worst due to these unrealistic standards.

They think and plan before they act; they are not the types who will resort to rash, impulsive behaviour, and will panic if they are unable to plan in advance. It's easier for them to reject and hate things than it is for them to love and embrace them. Their interests and tastes are picked carefully, and they give a lot of attention to each one, and hold them close to their hearts, rather than having many fleeting interests that change quickly and often.

PM complain a lot, in a 'whinging' kind of way rather than a 'put down' or 'demanding' kind of way. They tend to argue, because they cannot simply let things be if they seem wrong. They argue using reason, evidence, logic, and explanations, delivered analytically or with pleading. They only argue to set wrongs right, rather than to assert dominance. The argument is about the issue, not about them. They respond poorly to compliments, often 'rebutting' them by saying that they're not so great after all. "Wow, that's a really nice painting you just made!" "I don't know, the eyes are probably too big..." (rather than "Thanks!").

They will blame themselves for mistakes, because they are acutely aware of their own imperfection. They tend to prefer things to be tidy, organised in some way or another. This doesn't necessarily mean 'neat' as such; often they have very idiosyncratic organisation methods. They are idealists, who imagine perfect fantasies and feel upset when things don't live up to these fantasies. They prefer to tackle the heart of the matter, which can lead to them avoiding 'beating around the bush'.

PM are the most introverted of the temperaments in that they crave time alone, and are most at ease in their own company. They can enjoy spending time with others, but this drains their energy, and they need alone time in order to recharge. Much of their introversion comes from their perfectionism.

They are picky about the sorts of people that they associate with; people who meet their standards and share their outlook. People that don't will make them uncomfortable; they do not wish to talk to 'anyone and everyone'. Their self-deprecation also makes them think that they might not be very interesting anyway, that they aren't really worth spending time with, even if they know in the depths of their minds that they are very interesting indeed.  Once they have someone to talk to in a quiet and relaxed environment, they can talk a lot and will enjoy sharing thoughts and ideas. They are very wary of making friends. Unlike sanguines, it can take them a very long time for them to consider someone they're familiar with a 'friend', but once they've reached this point, they will likely stick with that person loyally.

PM prefer having a few close friends to many acquaintances. They can be seen as selfish, because they prefer to be alone with their thoughts, to have their own things, rather than sharing time or possessions socially with others. They are usually very possessive about the things that they own and are reluctant to let others borrow or use them, because they treat their own things well, care about everything deeply, and will worry that others will not look after them with the same level of care. They could be described as 'intense', rather than 'easy-going'.

Melancholics are very sensitive-emotional. They are moved deeply by beauty, and by distress. They are very easily hurt, because of their perfectionistic tendencies. Often their moods are like delicate glass sculptures; built up slowly, deliberately, and carefully, but easily broken, and hard to repair once shattered. They respond to things that they dislike with misery and with tears rather than with rage. They are very slow to 'snap', but will hold onto emotions for a very long time. They hold grudges, because people who have failed to meet their standards, who have hurt them, will not just suddenly meet those standards without changing drastically. (I am emotional, but towards family and very closed friends..)

They can become very 'moody', and they can be difficult to interact with because they are so easily hurt. They are not aggressive, and wish to flee from things that cause them distress. If they want to get back at another person, they are more likely to make them feel guilty than to insult them bluntly. They are 'thin-skinned'.

The melancholics in ancient age may have been the analysts, the information gatherers. They scouted for potential danger, or for food, and reported back to the pack leader. The more accurate their findings were, the better; this led to a trend towards perfectionism, as the 'analysts' closer to perfection survived better than those that made sloppy mistakes. In current society, PM often tend towards analytical roles such as scientists, analysts, programmers, logicians, and so on. In fantasy settings, they may be wizards or sages.

While for A Peaceful Phlegmatic (PP) are usually associated with these kind of personalities.. Meek, submissive introverts who live to please others. PP do not act as if they are better than others. They are eager to please, and quick to give in to others rather than asserting their own desires as if they're the most important. They take the path of least resistance whenever possible. They so desperately wish for peace, for everyone to get along, and to avoid conflict at all costs.

Conflict terrifies PP. They do not start it (except perhaps in extreme circumstances), or provoke it, and try to defuse it when it comes up. When forced into an argument, they get very upset and distressed, seeking escape rather than victory. If confronted, they are likely to admit that they are in the wrong in order to prevent hostilities. They don't believe that they know best.

They have no desire to be a 'winner'; they only wish for peace. They are well-behaved; rebelling against established rules would feel deeply uncomfortable to them. They're the sort who'd say, worriedly, 'should we really be doing this?' or 'we might get in trouble!'. They really, really do not wish to be a bother to others, and always put others first. This is due to a deep-rooted unease about asserting themselves rather than a lack of confidence, or a conscious desire to be a 'nice person'.

They are quick to apologise for any mistakes that they may have made, and will sacrifice their own happiness to ensure that others are happy. They are empathetic, and acutely aware of the feelings of those that they are interacting with, as they do not wish to hurt these feelings. They have tremendous difficulty saying no, and will go along with things that they dislike to make others happy.

They are extremely trustworthy; if they make a promise, it's very likely that they will keep it (in real life, maybe I am not a good-promise keeper.. huhuhu). PP terrified of doing things wrong. They will blame themselves if mistakes are made, even if it was someone else's fault, just to make others feel better and more at ease. They try and word things in a way that is not offensive to others. The will be more supportive than critical.

PP are indecisive. They'll defer to others to make choices, and will feel upset and pressured if they have to make a decision themselves; this comes from their inability to see themselves in a 'leader' role. They are natural followers, and work best when they are told what to do. Their language is generally full of uncertain phrases such as 'I think', 'maybe', 'perhaps', 'or something'. Compare "maybe you could do X, or something?" to "do X" or "you should do X". (previously this maybe a big yes, but now I can say that I have improved a lot.. maybe related with the personality traits of the first born in the family..)

Rather than saying or doing the wrong thing, they'll say or do nothing at all. Obstacles that get in the way of their steady path will cause them to halt and fumble around, not sure what to do. They're more likely to travel around than through it; their path is easily changed by others. (This also maybe not hundred percent correct.. I believe I am a risk-taker and I love to challenge myself.. I am also very stubborn (or better in better word - determine) to achieve what I want...)

same like PM.. PP are also introverted, and enjoy time alone. However, they are much 'nicer' and more friendly and social than the melancholic, as they're unburdened by 'perfectionism' and as such do not judge others.  They enjoy spending time with friends, and are very loyal to these friends, sticking with them through thick and thin, even through abuse. This is because they put others first, and will not leave another even if they want to because the other person may not want them to leave.

They are almost immune to anger. They have extremely long fuses, and will only snap after a long period of prolonged and persistent abuse. Even then, they're more likely to retreat within themselves and cry than to try to harm another. They like calm and steady lives, free of surprises. They can be relatively confident in familiar situations - if not necessarily assertive - but panic when placed in new ones. They do not seek thrills, and enjoy predictable, quiet, ritualistic lifestyles.

They are very quiet, and do not share their own inner thoughts readily, as they fear judgement and don't wish to bother others by waffling on about themselves. They are however excellent and attentive listeners, who will quietly and politely take in and absorb the conversations of their friends. They will always pay attention, and will offer supportive feedback rather than criticism or advice. They'd never say things like 'bored now', as if it's the duty of others to entertain them. (but those who are very close to me will see I am on the opposite.. I open up myself more, thus, showing my negative attitude such as being ignorance, being too outspoken and so on..)

Since they hate to offend or hurt others, they generally don't ever resort to aggressive insults or attacks. Belittling or hurting another makes them feel bad, not 'powerful and in control' or amused, so they'll worry about having done this accidentally. They could be described as 'nice girls' or, more horribly, 'doormats' by those with different temperaments (hopefully I'm not)..

They barely express emotion at all. While the sanguine might whoop and cheer and jump for joy at the slightest provocation, phlegmatics are unlikely to express more than a smile or a frown. Their emotions happen mainly internally. They lack 'passion', as their emotions are mostly internal. They often rely on others ordering them to do things to get motivation.

In the past, the PP might have been the obedient followers who'd get much of the actual work done at the command of their superiors. They may not stand out, but without them, nothing would work. They are the cooks, the cleaners, the quiet office drones, the red-shirts, the white mages.

Comparing both temperament.. PM and PP are really introverted person.. They are reserved.. have "slow reaction" in terms of getting angry and snapping.. both also have very low self-esteem and are pessimist.. but on the other hand, scoring both PM and PP shows a balance emotional personality - since PM are more emotional in nature while PP are calm and peaceful..

More to read at:

http://temperaments.fighunter.com/?page=comparison
http://www.kerrijokala.com/understanding-personalities-perfect-melancholy
https://www.womenbygrace.com/christian-life/melancholy-personality-type/

More or less.. above "copy pasted" and some other links literally explained what kind of person Nazmy Zaki is..  We have proverb in Bahasa where it said, "Tak kenal, maka tak cinta.." or translated to be "If you don't know me, you will not love me.." x.o.x.o 😇😇😇

p/s: you may think I am maybe different from what stated above.. overall.. I am human.. Human being is very dynamic and relative.. At what time I maybe nice, but another time I maybe so harsh.. Sorry for all my misbehaves.. huhuhu

Kind Words Echo

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim..

Finding the mood to continue writing.. But really can't tune in my brain to that so called technical write up, so me trying to write up the new post for My World of Wisdom.. hurm.. what should I write.. Can't figure out the right title or theme yet.. Let's me just write and see what shall I share for MyWow..

Last few days ago, 26 and 27 of July, I had attended the Postgraduate Research Colloquium organized by our faculty.. Faculty of Industrial  Management (FIM).. On day one, the guest speaker, Dr Teo Bee Yap had given a very inspiring talk.. Dr Teo is the Executive Director of Skynet.. He already obtained a PhD and currently is undertaking another doctoral study for Islamic Finance.. He shared his life journey of persevering education to become who he is now.. Too many inspiring words that he shared and among some words of wisdom are:

"Education is life-long journey. It is always part of our life. 

Enhance your value by continuous learning. 

Set the long term goals (3-5 years), set milestones, review the goals weekly. 

Keep challenging yourself..! Don't stay in your comfort zone.

Always feel that you have not achieve something. 

Be "unhappy" with your current achievement. 

Thus, it will force you to keep on learning..

Be expert in area of interest.

Be ready for the opportunity. Keep on doing "research".

The only thing that enable us to achieve everything in our life is:

be willing to change..! and one of the most crucial thing is

know yourself..! Know your own strengths and weaknesses.."

Thank you so much Dr Teo for these words of wisdom.. actually there were many other sessions during the colloquium, but too many to include it here. So maybe in another entry.. For this post, I would like to highlight the theme of "Know Yourself"..

How to know our own self? There are various ways to get to know our self better.. One of the way is to carry out psychology tests.. There are lot of free tests and paid tests that we can take.. It gives us the marks and percentage of which group we are in or what personality type we are, so on and so forth..  Another way is to meet the counselor or psychologist themselves. These professionals study and are being trained specifically to handle "human being". Thus, having an appointment with them will give us direct consultation on who we are and how can we change our self for becoming better..

As for me, I used to have my own style of asking people around me about who am I and what kind of person I am to them.. Since my younger age, I used to keep a "biodata" book which friends and relatives wrote inside it (I still keep them till now).. during my secondary school, as a school prefect, we used to conduct activities and so on. This was the first time ever, when I requested my friends or juniors to write a personal evaluation about me anonymously.. Since then, I used to do it and keep on reviewing the comments.. Some parts I had changed a lot, but some parts are still the common comments I received. Especially on being introvert, timid, shy and nervous person.. Among others are being "stone-heart", strict, fierce, arrogant and so on.. 

The latest comments I received are from this early year when I requested my PGA family and some of new friends at UMP to give their feedback and evaluation about myself. There are few comments that really make my days.. and I keep on reading them occasionally to boost up my self-esteem.. These comments are: 

"For my opinion, you have a very good spirit and your attitude reflects your wonderful personality, and same goes to your skills and capabilities. Honestly, I impressed with your ability to manage all PGA without any conflict with any person among PGA.."

"Perfect, adorable, always a smiley face makes you beautiful. To be honest everything is complete, specially your smile.."

"You are calm and you always smile. You are also cautious and thoughtful.."

"Good in manner, great personality, awesome to be friend with. You are the best in the way you are, keep being yourself.."

😍😍😍 I truly thank you so much Mr@Ms Anonymous for these kind words.. ya.. there are few others more, but these comments are among the most nicest comments I received. Because, it really against what I used to be.. I am totally imperfect and I always pray that I will really become a calm person instead of having nervous breakdown.. Even at the moment, I really have hard time to manage good relationship with others.. 

but really.. kind words echo.. It really makes my day when I feel a little bit stumbled in my journey.. (as of right now..).. Nevertheless, I wish that every people I had encountered with, will encounter and currently engaged with have a slightly positive thought about myself (even just a word). This is because my father always said that if 40 people who are really close to us, keep on saying that we are good and kind people, then, yes, it is a prayer that we are really belong to a group of good and kind people and that we will be one of them.. aminn ya rabbal alamin..

It is almost 3 am.. have to finish my entry write up.. My "lonjakan strategik" report is waiting.. huhuhu.. Just in case, you are reading my personal sharing in My World of Wisdom.. herewith I enclosed the link for you to give your personal evaluation about myself. Feel free to write anything you want coz it really is anonymous.. For your honesty and fair evaluation, I am genuinely thank you so much from the bottom of my heart.. 

👉👉👉"Nazmy's Personal Evaluation"👈👈👈

Blood Type B Personality

Alhamdulillah.. Subhanallah.. Allahuakhbar..

Just few days ago went for blood donation drive organized by Graduate School of Business, USM..

It was my third time already. This time.. 450ml.. (^_^) proud of it ! Well done self..

I am a blood type B person.. and they say type B personality are..?

'TYPE B' (Source: OpenZine)

Blood Type B's often described themselves in ways related to the following characteristics: 
subjective, easygoing, creative, original and flexible. 

In another study, Type B's scored significantly higher on "intuiting," indicating a preference or sixth sense information; and they scored high on the "intuiting/feeling" combination, indicating that they tend to be insightful, mystical, idealistic, creative, globally-oriented, people-oriented and good at imagining. 

They also reported that they learned best through listening, then reflecting on and interpreting what they had observed. Perhaps the nomadic life of the steppes contributed to long hours given over to talk as well as ample time for meditation and reflection. 

Type B's can be very goal-oriented and often complete the ambitious tasks set before them. Outgoing and very charming, you’re good at reading people and providing support. Though critical of appearance (but not your own), you aren’t picky and are unlikely to dwell over the little things. 

Type Bs are impulsive individualists who often create their own path in life. You are very strong and optimistic. B is most compatible with B and AB lovers. 

Blood type B individuals tend to be balanced: thoughtful like A's and yet ambitious like O's. They are empathetic, easily understanding others' points of view, yet often hesitating to challenge or confront. Chameleon-like and flexible, they make good friends. 

Common career choices: cook, hairdresser, military leader, talk show host, and journalist. 


(Source: BeyondHallyu)

Blood type Bs are said to enjoy life and are passionate, wild and active. They can be creative and optimistic and have a ‘let’s go’ attitude. They love animals and are passionate about the people and things that they hold dear. They can have an individual and independent nature and don’t care about what others think of them. They can laugh in failure’s face and have a bright and liberal way of living – however this can cause them to have enemies. They can be impatient and can give up easily. They have often been described as shallow and lazy, self-centred and irresponsible. Men with blood type B aren’t considered good ‘husband material’ as they can be ‘bad boys’ and ‘players’. This makes them desirable to women but only for the short term. Women with blood type B do not share this attribute. Those with blood type B are said to have a strong immune system and do well with dairy.

Extra Readings:

• Eat right for your type (Source: Dadamo)
• Your blood types determines your personality (Source: WakingTimes)

Well.. Everyone is unique in their own ways.. What the most important thing is blood donation.. They say if you donate money, you give food.. but if you donate blood, you give life..