Everything happens for a reason

Masya-Allah.. berhabuk bersawang teruk dah MyWoW.. hurmmm.. 

Assalamualaikum dunia.. Salam sejahtera ke atas anda yang sedang membaca.. terima kasih.. Semoga anda dan saya, kita sama-sama dipanjangkan usia dalam keberkatan, dikurniakan rezeki yang halalan toyyiban yang mampu berbagi dan berkongsi, diberikan kesihatan yang baik mampu berbudi dn berbakti.. dipermudahkan segala urusan dunia dan akhirat..

18.4.2024 akhirnya nukilan ini digarap.. at first tak tahu nak tulis apa.. but then when started writing, there are actually lots and lots of things to share.. the very first entry after more than two years.. Aigooya Nazmy Zaki! Where you at? What you've done and been doing?? Are you doing okay for these past two years after confessing your previous status in "When you choose to confront?"

As usual.. writing is the most effective escapism for me when I am actually in a "lost".. after long long time.. Alhamdulillah.. I'm free of any PSY medication or consultation since May last year.. but the Dr said, be careful.. beware.. as I might have a relapse.. the same episode might re-occur if something triggers and I need to call in for PSY again.. which is what currently I'm facing lately.. hurmmm.. hopefully I'm doing just great.. may Allah ease everything.. show me the best way.. aaminnn ya rabbal alamin..

Too much things to write.. too many questions need their answers.. too many dilemmas to be addressed.. hurmmm ottoke.. just a remark for my future.. maybe in this entry I just highlight my previous conversation with my sister during the third night of Raya day.. oh ya.. 

"Selamat Hari Raya Aidil Fitri 1445H.. Maaf Zahir & Batin.."

What happened during that night? Actually we didn't sleep at all.. a long curhat session among girls only siblings.. about what happened in our family.. and what's next and more to come.. here and there.. every each of every thing..

Last but not least.. I told my sister I needed someone that can guide me the right way out of the current situation.. and she said that I will find that someone very soon.. The thing is.. how do I know if the person coming into my path is really that "someone"? Shall I spill the tea to anyone? *sigh*

Just like today.. I'll be doing something against my own principle again.. I did try few options to avoid it from happened but the answer is still not a favor to me.. or maybe because it is my own fault at the very first place because I did agree with the situation to happen? 

Ya Allah.. please guide me.. I really don't know what is the answer.. I know it's not right, but it is happening.. Astaghfirullahal'azim.. Which way.. which aspect should I look at? Ya Allah.. I really really don't know what You have planned for me.. but if You enable it to happen, then they must be something behind the curtain.. Apakah hikmah atau pengajaran disebaliknya yang perlu aku gali dan cari? 

Everything happens for a reason.

Ya Allah.. sepintas lalu ilham diberi.. mengingatkan aku agar memaklumkan pada seorang ibu.. masih belum berjawab.. semoga apa yang bakal dijawab adalah daripada berkat ArRahman dan ArRahim-Mu.. bantulah aku Ya Allah.. 

Let's pen-off for now.. insya-Allah will update again very soon.. 

When you choose to confront

Dihidupkan, bukan pilihan.
Detik kematian, juga bukan pilihan.
Perjalanan kehidupan?
Barulah kita yang tentukan.
Sama ada kiri atau kanan, utara atau selatan.
Apa yang berlaku rentetan daripada keputusan?
Tetaplah jalani garis masa yang telah ditakdirkan. 
Hikmah disebalik setiap sesuatu?
Hanya Dia Yang Tahu.  

~ when you choose to confront ~

Rabbi yassir wa la tu’assir. Rabbi tamim bilkhair.

Alhamdulillah.. selesai sesi forum “Bicara Minda Sihat: Aku & Depresi”.

Sekitar akhir bulan Januari,  terima whatsapp tanya khabar daripada Puan Hajjah Paridah, pegawai psikologi UMP. Kemudian Puan bertanyakan jika aku boleh menjadi salah seorang panel untuk forum berkongsi tentang pengalaman yang pernah aku lalui sebagai seorang fighter mental illness. 

Semestinyalah tak mampu nak terus katakan “Ya” dan perlukan  sedikit masa untuk fikirkan. Betul ke ni? Sanggup ke nak buka semua cerita? Belum apa-apa dah nervous yang amat. Then, Puan balas something yang buat aku rasa yang aku perlu berkongsi. 

Selalu banyak sangat dengar cerita kawan-kawan, kawan kepada kawan dan baca kat FB, IG pasal kesedaran kesihatan mental ni. Jadi, mungkin perkongsian yang akan dibuat boleh bantu tolong orang lain. Akhirnya, persetujuan tercapai. Aku bakal jadi salah seorang ahli panel forum tersebut.

Bulan dua berlalu. Tarikh forum makin dekat. Sepatutnya dijadualkan kepada 9 Mac 2022. Sesi bersemuka. Namun terpaksa ditunda atas sebab terdapat panel dan ahli jawatankuasa yang terlibat kuarantin Covid. Tarikh baru diberi iaitu bertarikh hari ini, 16 Mac 2022 secara dalam talian. Alhamdulillah. Akhirnya selesai perkongsian sedikit sebanyak. So, catat sikit hari ini dalam sejarah.

Nervous? Of course. 

Walaupun dah sediakan nota dan skrip, terus hilang tak nampak tulisan. Ni baru sesi dalam talian, kalau bersemuka rasanya lagi basah lencun dan seram. 😂😂😂 

Apa pun, semoga ada sedikit kebaikan yang berpanjangan hasil perkongsian ini. Semoga menjadi wasilah kepada diri aku yang lebih baik, berjaya dunia akhirat. 

Simpan sini untuk kenangan, pengajaran dan teladan akan datang: 

https://www.facebook.com/PkuUmpMalaysia/videos/965759730721614

Can I?

Semalam birthday salah seorang sahabat #USMKKJ iaitu Pka Chan. Mesej wish birthday pada Pka dan naiklah nama Si Kechik Waniey i.e., subject of this write up. 

Petang tu bergayutlah aku dan Kechik tentang macam-macam hal, dengan gangguan line telefon yang tenggelam timbul terputus dua tiga kali. 

Antara perkara yang aku laporkan pada Kechik ialah bermulanya aku sebagai kontrak agent Prudential setelah hampir 10 tahun bergelar ejen Takaful Etiqa suatu masa dulu. Aku beritahu Kechik, yang sekarang aku seolah-olah ada sejenis 'ketakutan'. Sebuah ketakutan yang entah macam mana, aku sendiri tak tahu nak terangkan. 

Cuma pesan Kechik, fokus pada apa yang perlu dan mulakan dari apa yang ada. Jika perlu, bincangkan dengan yang pakar nanti. Hurmm..

Dan hari ini, aku terima whatsapp dari adik bertanyakan tentang bilakah tarikh akhir semester ini. Aku snipped gambar kalendar semester depan dan hantar. Hasil akhir perbualan, terhutang budi lagi. 

Hurm... hari ini dah 15.08.2021. Minggu lepas dapat pesanan supervisor, Dr Yudi tentang pembentangan progress pada 28.08.2021 nanti. Hanya sebulan sahaja lepas itu tempoh masa untuk aku siapkan full 1st draft sebelum bermulanya semester baru. 

Can I do it?

Pesan Dr Syed dalam Seminar Penulisan Slot Santai Motivasi Menulis (SSMM 2.0):

"Nothing is impossible to a willing heart!"

Mohon doakan #nazmyzaki jika anda terbaca posting ini. 

"Ya Allah, kurniakanlah Nur Ain Zakiah

ketekunan, kesungguhan dan kekuatan

untuk menamatkan segala apa yang telah dimulakan dan

seterusnya istiqamah meneruskan 

apa yang terbaik bagi mengubah kehidupannya".

..Aaminn Aaminn Ya Rabbal Alamin..

Fighting the Unseen I

Alhamdulillah. Dah seminggu melangkah ke tahun baru. Masih bernafas, masih bergerak, masih tidak putus ruang dan peluang yang dikurniakan Allah walau diri serba hina dan khilaf. 

Sejujurnya, sejak pagi tadi aku terasa ingin menulis posting pertama di My World of Wisdom ini bagi tahun 2021. Tab new post telah aku buka sejak jam 10 pagi tapi sekadar menulis title dan items di sisi kanan sahaja. Kemudian aku memilih untuk menyiapkan tugasan bagi kelas malam ini. Masa terus berlalu dan aku masih belum menaip ayat seterusnya sebagai kandungan first entry tahun ini. 

Sehinggalah ke saat tulisanku ini.. Aku baru sahaja terima khabar duka dari group whatsapp sebelum masuk waktu Zohor tadi.. bahawa salah seorang kawan kami kini sedang dirawat di hospital kerana sedang bertarung dengan penyakit yang dipanggil depression. 

"Ya Allah, kuatkanlah diri sahabat kami. Teguhkan hatinya dan peganglah hatinya. Buat sahabatku, moga kau terus kuat melawan. Jangan pernah merasa kau seorang. Kau punya ramai kawan-kawan dan teman apatah lagi keluarga.. juga anakmu sendiri ternanti-nanti.." 

===

Sedih bila terus-menerus mendengar kisah kawan-kawan yang terpaksa melawan "penyakit tak nampak" ini. Ini bukan kali pertama. Dalam kalangan sahabat, kawan dan teman yang aku ada.. Lebih daripada belas-belas orang yang aku tahu menghadapi penyakit ini. Bukan self-diagnosed, tetapi clinically dan professionally diagnosed. Ada yang dah pulih sepenuhnya, ada yang masih dalam rawatan.. Malah terlalu ramai yang berkongsi rasa dan meluahkan symptoms yang mereka alami, seolah-olah, ya, sedang menghidapi depression. 

Nota dan peringatan: Jangan self-diagnosed..!

Mungkin ramai kawan-kawan yang tidak tahu.. termasuklah diri sendiri ini #nazmyzaki juga telah mengalami dan didiagnosed sebagai pesakit MDD - Major Depression Disorder. Perlu makan anti-depressant pill dan perlu bantuan sleeping pill. Worst case, apa yang aku alami dan hadapi tersebut.. berturut dengan non-stop overthinking, sehingga aku terpaksa pula ambil ubat high blood pressure.  Alhamdulillah dan nauzubillah.. sekarang aku sudah tak bergantung kepada ubat-ubat ini dan semoga aku terus menjadi diri yang fitrah.

Apa yang aku ingin tuliskan di MyWoW bukanlah untuk membuka pekung di dada atau cuba menjadi salah seorang pseudo-psychiatrist. Aku sekadar ingin berkongsi apa, mengapa dan bagaimana.. Panjang dan banyak yang ingin aku kongsikan, namun aku akan cuba make it short.

===

Pen-off. Jam dah hampir 3.30 petang, aku perlu sambung prepare bahan kelas malam ini.

To be continued.

Depresi. Kemurungan. Kecelaruan emosi. Fighting the unseen.

Apa yang perlu anda tahu? 

Kisah Setia Bayang

 Bismillahirrahmanirrahim.

Alhamdulillah. Subhanallah. Allahuakbar. 

Setelah sekian lama, My World of Wisdom sunyi dari sebarang nota diri. Pagi ini terasa nak berkarya pulak. 😂 So catat kat sini lah sebagai kenang-kenangan. 

Kisahnya pagi tadi berbasikal. Kebetulan matahari pagi ini cemerlang sedikit. Jadinya, sentiasa mengejar mengejar sendiri. Adakala bayang yang mengejar. Ada masanya, sama-sama seiringan berkayuhan. Sambil youtube tengah mainkan playlist zikir fikir mendidik jiwa. Datangnya ilham kisah bayang. And, yes. Inilah hasilnya. 

Kisah Setia Bayang

Hari ini kaki melangkah lagi. 
Dan dia masih bersama di sisi. 
Walau ke mana kaki menuntun pergi.
Pasti dia turut menemani. 
 
Tidak kiralah siang hari waktu mentari bersinar terang.
Mahupun malam ketika bulan mengambang. 
Pasti bayang setia bersama. 
Betapa Allah itu Maha Pengasih Maha Penyayang. 
Dia tahu seorang manusia tidak boleh hidup berseorangan.
Lalu dicipta-Nya bayang agar manusia mengambil teladan dan pengajaran. 
 
Bahawa selamanya bayang setia,
Mengetahui segala dosa dan noda. 
Bahkan mungkin menjadi saksi 
Terhadap perbuatan tangan dan kaki.
Hanya Allah yang Maha Mengetahui.
Hikmah sang bayang yang senyap sunyi
Terus menemani setiap manusia di dunia-Nya ini. 

Hingga ke pertemuan yang abadi di akhirat sana nanti. 

Nazmy Zaki || 25.08.2020 || 9:33 a.m.

😌

Itulah kisah setia bayang. The most loyal person on earth. Semua yang bernyawa lainnya telah atau bakal meninggalkan kita. Bahkan diri kita sendiri tidak mungkin memberi sepenuh taat setia pada orang lain. Pasti ada keraguan atau tidak persetujuan dan kurang permuafakan antara satu sama lain. Ibu, ayah dan anak. Suami isteri. Sanak saudara. Sahabat handai. Semuanya pasti akan ada komplikasinya pada sesuatu keadaan dan masa.

Jadikan Aku Wanita Itu..

"Oh Tuhanku,

Aku mengadu..

Jangan Kau serahkan aku pada diriku.."

Berulang kali malam ni aku dengar lagu #menangislah oleh Syamsul Yusof & Mawi.. 

Paling tersentuh part first sekali.. "Jangan Kau serahkan aku pada diriku.." 

Bukan setakat kadang-kadang.. Apatah lagi jarang-jarang.. tapi sebaliknya.. sentiasa (moga tidak sepanjang masa).. aku.. lupa.. segala gerak daya.. segala ilham kata.. segala jua yang aku perlaku.. tidak satu pun tanpa pengetahuan-Nya.. tidak satu pun tanpa keizinan-Nya.. 

Sekali lagi di awal-awal pagi ini.. aku dan dia berbicara.. maafkan aku wahai saudaraku.. aku sentiasa berkasar bahasa.. sentiasa menggunakan kata-kata yang menyentuh sensitiviti jiwa.. aku bukan Hamba Allah yang baik.. apalagi mampu menjadi temanmu yang terbaik.. Na'uzubillahi min zalik.. Andai Allah bukakan hijab diriku... Aku benar-benar tidak tahu di paras manakah letak pandang-Nya terhadapku.. Hina dina diriku.. Fakir miskin amalanku.. 

Berbanding dirimu yang kerap bersolat malam.. kerap berpuasa menambah amalan... senantiasa bersedekah dan membelanja makan teman-teman.. Maafkan aku menoreh luka.. menabur garam dan cuka ke atasnya.. maafkan aku.. Sebagaimana kata-kataku kepadamu.. "Aku tidak mungkin layak ke syurga.. tapi aku juga amat takut untuk menghadapi siksa neraka.." dan balasmu.. engkau pun sama.. "kita berusaha ke arah yang lebih baik dari sebelumnya.."

Kerana itu, aku seru buat diriku dan buat dirimu wahai sahabatku.. 

Semoga kita sama-sama menjadi seperti Asiah, 

Isteri kepada penderhaka Allah yang zalim.. 

Si Firaun pengaku tuhan dunia.. 

Namun Asiah tetap dengan pendirian..

Sehingga dijanjikan syurga,
Di sisi Tuhan Sekalian Alam..

Semoga kita sama-sama menjadi seperti Maryam..

Ibu kepada seorang Nabi..
Dianugerahkan Allah surahnya dalam Al-Quran..

Sedang lahir anaknya tanpa bapa..

Namun caci maki dunia tidak terasa.. 

Kerana kemuliaan dan kesucian dipelihara..

oleh Allah yang Maha Kuasa..

Semoga kita sama-sama menjadi seperti Siti Khadijah.. 

Selayaknya Saidatina bersama Rasulullah SAW.. 

Tidak mungkin mampu menandingi kehebatan beliau,

Namun setidaknya kita berusaha menghiasi diri, 

bukan dengan emas atau permata berkilau..

Tapi dengan teguhnya iman dan pengorbanan, 

Demi suami dan Islam..

Semoga kita sama-sama menjadi seperti Siti Aisyah..
Isteri Rasul Allah yang amat mencemburui Khadijah..
Anak kepada sahabat Baginda paling akrab dan rapat..
Ummul Mukminin yang dikurnia ilmu penuh didada,
Menjadi rujukan sahabat-sahabat
sebagai salah seorang periwayat Hadith terbanyak..

Semoga kita sama-sama menjadi seperti
Fatimah bintu Rasulullah..
Semoga kita sama-sama menjadi seperti
Sumayyah yang terbunuh demi agama Allah..
Semoga kita sama-sama menjadi seperti
Ainul Mardhiah.. Seperti Zinnirah..

Dan moga kita sama-sama menjadi sebagaimana..
Ramai ramai ramai lagi wanita muslimah yang mukminah..
Di sanjung tinggi di bumi dunia.. dan lebih dari itu..
Dimuliakan seluruh isi alam hingga ke langit dan akhirat sana..

Kerana itu..

Ya Allah.. 

Aku memohon kepada-Mu.. 

Janganlah Engkau serahkan aku pada diriku.. 

Janganlah Engkau serahkan kami pada diri kami..

Jadikan aku wanita itu..

Jadikan kami seperti mereka ya Allah..

Ya Allah..

Demi jiwa serta penyempurnaan ciptaan-Mu,

Engkaulah yang mengilhamkan kepadanya 

jalan kejahatan dan ketakwaan..

Beruntunglah bagi orang-orang yang menyucikannya,

Serta rugilah bagi mereka yang mengotorinya..

Wahai Yang Membolak-balikkan Hati..

Tetapkan hati-hati kami ya Allah..

Pada jalan agama-Mu..

Buat diriku dan sahabatku, moga kita menjadi sepertimana wanita-wanita agung itu.. Yang paling terkurang kita boleh lakukan adalah menjaga luaran.. Kerana dosa yang kita paparkan, saham-sahamnya makin bertambah sebanyak mana orang yang memandang.. Sama-samalah kita menutup aurat dengan sempurna..

Formulanya senang je..

Berpakaianlah sebagaimana syarat sah solat yang disyariatkan.. 

Semoga Allah menjaga maruah dan aib kita.. Kita dilahirkan mulia, malah dinamakan Allah surah An-Nisaa yang bermaksud wanita.. Jangan rendahkan maruah kita, dengan cuba menidakkan apa yang tersurat dalam Al-Quran..

Bukan isu #munafik yang cuba aku ketengahkan di sini.. kerana aku mungkin lebih munafik dari kamu wahai sahabatku.. Namun aku berusaha mengajak diriku dan dirimu agar sama-sama berubah ke arah yang lebih baik.. Luaran yang terpapar mungkin bakal menjemput bala yang lebih besar..

Astaghfirullahal'azim.. 

Astaghfirullahal'azim..

Astaghfirullahal'azim..

Subhanaka inni kuntu minaz zalimin..

Rujukan: 

http://www.muftiwp.gov.my/ms/artikel/irsyad-fatwa/irsyad-fatwa-umum/1915-irsyad-fatwa-ke-73-hukum-perempuan-berpakaian-menampakkan-bentuk-tubuh-dan-hukum-bagi-orang-yang-sengaja-melihat-aurat-orang-lain?highlight=WyJwZXJidWF0YW4iLCIncGVyYnVhdGFuIl0= 

Complexity of Guilt and Conscience III

Ya.. banyak kali aku cuba kembali semula ke track yang sepatutnya setelah sedar diri tersesat jauh.. Kerja-kerja tergendala aku susun prioritynya untuk diselesaikan.. Tapi disebabkan terlalu banyak.. Tugas aku turut diberikan pada insan-insan lain untuk tolong disiapkan.. (Terima kasih yang tak dapat dibalas buat Wan, Nurul dan Kwati)..  Aku tak mampu.. Tekanan itu tersangat dirasa.. Aku boleh buat muka seposen, konon senyum.. pamerkan muka seolah-olah tak bersalah.. Tapi jauh di sudut hati.. maruah aku ibarat terguris tak dapat dipulih. Sungguh.. ibarat gelas kaca yang retak.. itulah yang kurasakan..

Sejak dari dulu.. inilah antara prinsip hidupku.. "Bantulah sesiapa jua yang memerlukan pertolongan.. Permudahkanlah urusan mereka.. kerana sesungguhnya Allah pasti akan mempermudahkan jalanku.." dan prinsip yang kupegang ini terbukti.. Allah membalas dengan segala macam rezeki yang tak akan mungkin dapat aku senaraikan di sini.. Namun.. Maaf.. Maaf yang teramat terutama bagi mereka yang menghubungiku sepanjang tempoh getir hidupku.. 

Saat aku menerima beratus-ratus panggilan tidak di jawab.. pesanan ringkas.. whatsapp.. messenger.. Tekanan dalam diri seolah-olah ibarat pressure cooker.. bersalah kerana tidak menjawab dan membalas.. tapi lagi tertekan memikirkan jawapan dan alasan apakah yang ingin aku berikan...  akhirnya.. hanya jeritan dalam diam yang mampu aku telan.. Maafkan aku.. Aku mengaku aku cukup tertekan waktu itu (dan sehingga saat aku menulis ini pun)..

Rasa bersalah yang teramat pada Prof.. hari ini.. 14/01/18 Prof mengorbankan hujung minggunya untuk bersama kami.. sekali lagi.. aku terpaksa menyarung topeng lutsinar.. yang orang tak nampak tapi hanya aku yang tahu dan rasa.. entah berapa kali air mataku bergenang.. menghadirkan diri di hadapan orang-orang yang aku sangat kasihi seperti ma dan abah.. wearing the poker face.. disebabkan aku tak mampu menyiapkan tugasanku.. Maaf Prof.. Maaf tersangat maaf buat yang ke entah berapa kalinya.. terlalu banyak yang perlu dibuat.. 😔😔😔

Aku adalah seorang yang perfectionist.. (merujuk kepada entry aku sebelum ni tentang personality diriku..) benar.. ini antara komen yang sangat kerap aku terima.. makin lama, characteristic ini seolah-olah turut memakan diri.. Aku tak boleh buat kerja separuh jiwa.. maksud kata.. bukan sekadar nak siap.. sungguh.. aku tak boleh hantar sesuatu kerja atau tugasan tu kalau aku tak puas hati bukan setakat isinya, tapi termasuk segala ukuran inci kiri dan kanannya.. aku memang tak boleh.. 

Kerana itulah.. walaupun sejak Ahad yang lalu.. seminggu sudah aku menjejakkan kembali kaki di bumi UMP ini setelah Prof menghubungi mamaku meminta aku focus pada PhD.. aku masih tidak mampu siapkan kerjaku.. tegang pada bahu.. lenguh dan sakit pinggang.. loya.. nak muntah segala rasa ada.. Jika mengikut kata hati dan emosi negatif, ingin sekali aku melarikan diri tanpa berjumpa dengan Prof petang tadi.. Tapi cukup-cukuplah wahai diri.. Cukuplah.. Kesalahan kau dah terlalu banyak jika dihimpun.. Jangan ke'sengaja'an itu melenyapkan terus sekelumit kesedaran yang ada dalam diri.. biarlah harini hari akhir kekusutan membelenggu diri.. moga hari-hari mendatang segala simpulan terungkai dan lerai..

Selesai perjumpaan.. aku menghubungi mamaku.. "Along memang tidak akan balik selagi belum siap apa yang sepatutnya dibuat.." Itu kataku.. Setelah abah pergi.. benar-benar kehilangan itu amat dirasai.. abah yang menjadi center of our family.. abah yang menjadi pusat rujukan kami.. seolah-olah aku merasakan bahawa dahan berpaut itu patah tiada ganti.. bagaimana harus aku mengemudi keluarga kami.. segala-galanya aku rasakan sangat kompleks. 

November lalu.. Allah hadirkan rezeki dalam ujian yang penuh cabaran.. kami sekeluarga dipersimpangan.. pendapat ma ditanya.. dan tertakliflah ke atas ku sebuah amanah lain yang harus dilakukan.  Segala keputusan terpaksa dilakukan dalam masa yang singkat.. dari seminggu, sebulan terpaksa dikorbankan.. di saat getir itu datang.. aku tersepit.. terjerut dengan rasa keserabutan yang teramat sangat.. Ya.. aku bukan anak yang baik.. tapi patahkata dari adikku membuatkan aku bertambah celaru..

"Along..! Ma waser hati ngan mu.. Ma kabo mu tak pernah-pernah jadi gini.. disebabkan kedai boleh jadi anak derhaka.." Berat.. berat.. berat sangat tanggungan itu.. Along mintak maaf Ma.. tapi moga peluang dan rezeki yang Allah telah berikan pada kita membawa kita sekeluarga lebih dekat kepada-Nya.. bukan makin menjauhi apatah lagi hukuman anak derhaka itu terlalu berat kurasa.. sedih.. aku bukan sengaja meninggikan suara.. tidak ada langsung walau sebesar hama niatku berkurang ajar dengan insan yang mengandungkan, melahirkan, menyusukan, membesarkan aku.. Hari-hari aku doakan moga ma meredhai diriku walau salahku tak terhitung rasanya..

aku pasrah.. banyak kali emosi menguasai diri.. disaat perasaanku terlampau tertekan.. aku tewas dengan perasaan.. the guilty is too complex that my conscience is almost overshadowed by them.. rasa bersalah pada ma dan keluarga yang seolah-olah aku anak sulung yang menyusahkan.. rasa bersalah pada Prof yang saban hari bertanyakan status keberadaan dan progress penyelidikanku.. rasa bersalah pada adikku yang terpaksa mengorbankan masa dan menangguh cita-cita.. paling teruk dirasakan adalah rasa bersalah pada arwah abah.. aku gagal melaksanakan amanahnya supaya kami adik-beradik bersatu hati sentiasa.. diriku kurasakan ibarat sedang di blender.. sungguh.. aku benar-benar tertekan.. Maafkan aku.. mohon maafkan diriku.. aku benar-benar ingin hidup mulia di dunia dan dikurniakan ihsan Allah untuk ke syurga-Nya..

Aku juga mohon.. tolonglah.. berikanlah aku sedikit masa lagi supaya aku betul-betul boleh mengutip kembali sisa-sisa semangat dalam diri.. menyusun kembali langkah dan kembali teguh berdiri.. infiniti terima kasih kerana memahami.. cukup.. inilah yang amat aku perlukan ketika ini.. dan jugak doa-doa yang tidak putus agar aku sentiasa dipermudahkan urusan..

Semoga entry kali ini menjadi saksi dan reminder untukku sepanjang tahun ini.. cukuplah hari ini aku berkelakuan sebegini.. jika resolusi 2018 ingin direalisasi.. berubahlah wahai diri.! jangan buat perangai bodoh lagi.. aku ingin menjadi aku yang dahulu.. yang bersedia memberi bantuan pada bila-bila masa yang diperlukan.. aku ingin menjadi aku yang dulu.. yang mampu menggalas amanah yang diberikan dengan kesempurnaan.. Tolong doakan aku.. 

"Rabbi yassir wala tu'assir, rabbi tammim bilkhair.."
Amin ya Rabbal Alamin..

May Allah lead my conscience always.. 

The complex of guilty.. 

cukuplah disini.. 

N.O.K.T.A.H.

Complexity of Guilt and Conscience II

Aku tak tipu.. jujur.. tajuk entry ini sebenarnya dari awal tahun lepas aku tulis.. tapi post tak berjaya dipublish sebab tak habis-habis add-on, edit, delete, re-write.. Panjang sangat.. sebab tu aku copy-cut-paste sambungan ke entry ini..

14-15 December 2016.. "You are behaving negatively again. Tak faham attitude awak ni.. Contact me.. Minta call saya.."- Mesej diterima daripada Prof.. kecelaruan dalam diri makin berakar umbi.. makin mencengkam dada.. Banyak tugasan dan tanggungjawab yang diamanahkan tidak dapat diselesaikan..

Tahun 2017.. Banyak kali abah menelefon bertanya adakah aku akan balik ke rumah.. Kalau bukan abah.. adik-adik telefon memberitahu abah bertanyakan tentang diriku.. sebab itulah.. Aku kerap pulang ke rumah.. aku memilih untuk berada di rumah.. aku tak nak menjadikan abah sebagai satu alasan.. tapi memang waktu ini.. kesihatan abah makin merunsingkan.. berat abah turun mendadak.. badan abah seolah-olah tinggal tulang..

Tapi sebaliknya pula.. dari sisi yang lain.. perasaan aku bergelodak dengan rasa bersalah yang teramat sebagai anak murid Prof.. Prof Ishak juga diuji dengan ujian kesakitan.. Prof Hasnah dengan kaki berbalut simen.. dalam cuti sakit kedua-duanya tetap datang ke pejabat meneruskan amanah dan tanggungjawab mereka.. Sungguh aku sayang kedua-duanya.. guru itu ibarat ibu dan ayah.. Tapi aku berasa sungguh kurang ajar dan tak beradab..

"Call me. Contact me. Where are you? Are you okay? Please respond....." dan macam-macam lagi pesanan di terima.. tak terkira missed called yang ada.. bukan saja daripada Prof berdua malah dari mereka-mereka yang aku sangat hargai keprihatinan itu.. Tapi entah kenapa.. Tahap complexity dalam diri makin menjadi-jadi.. yang aku tak dapat nak huraikan.. nak terangkan.. Rasa bersalah membuak-buak.. Aku tahu bahawa aku ada tugas yang perlu diselesaikan, tapi aku tak mampu berlawan dengan tekanan..

Complexity dalam diri di tahap merbahaya aku rasa.. Aku tahu aku salah.. Aku sedar aku mengambil langkah orang yang bodoh sombong. Entah.. macam-macam alasan yang boleh aku ciptakan dan bohongkan.. tapi mujur Allah masih beri kesedaran.. that conscience yang mana "KAU BOLEH CIPTA ALASAN APA JUA KAU SUKA TAPI JANGAN PENIPUAN.." (Bohonglah kalau aku kata aku sentiasa berkata benar dan jujur sepanjang 30 tahun hidup kat atas dunia ni)..

Dan untuk mengelakkan dari itulah.. Waktu itu aku sangat-sangat bersyukur dengan keadaan telefonku yang pecah, rosak, dan tidak dapat berfungsi dengan baik (masih belum berganti sim sehingga hari ini). Bil telefon juga kadang-kadang aku tidak jelaskan dan talian dipotong. Aku memilih untuk berdiam, senyap, mengasingkan diri, beku dengan tidak memberi respon pada semua yang menghubungi aku dalam tempoh aku tidak mampu berada dalam keadaan yang rasional tersebut.. Aku memujuk diri dengan mengatakan itulah antara alasan terbaik yang boleh aku berikan.

Aku berperang dengan segala perasaan.. Kehilangan abah makin dekat dirasakan.. Sebulan.. bulan 4, abah langsung tak dapat bangun.. Kami terpaksa memapah abah ke bilik air.. Abah solat duduk.. dan ada ketika abah menjama'kan solatnya kerana abah pening dan langsung tidak dapat membuka matanya. Bulan puasa, banyak hari abah tak dapat laksanakan kewajipannya.. Raya menjelma.. Sikap pelik abah makin ketara.. Antara yang paling tidak mungkin kulupa.. abah bertanyakan anak-anak muridnya yang datang berziarah tentang status kehidupan mereka samada sudah berpunya..

Abah yang dulunya tegas menyuruh aku memilih antara menyambung pengajian atau perkahwinan.. Abah yang selama bertahun-tahun lamanya sakit, meyuruh aku menghabiskan pengajian dahulu setiap kali kami sekeluarga berbicara soal calon, jodoh dan perkahwinan.. Tapi raya itu, abah bertanya soalan yang sedemikian.. ya aku malu.. tapi aku tak dapat tipu diri sendiri betapa ketakutan akan sebuah kehilangan itu benar-benar makin dekat dirasa.. Abah seolah-olah tahu dia akan pergi meninggalkan aku dan keluarga selama-lamanya.. dan kerana itulah cuba menjodohkan aku dengan anak muridnya.. (Tak apa abah.. damailah abah di sana.. tak mungkin akan ada galang gantinya..)

Di rumah.. berada dekat dengan abah, bagiku adalah pilihan terbaik sebagai seorang anak.. Aku langsung tak menyesal.. lega sebab setiap kali berada di rumah.. abah menggambarkan kegembiraannya.. Julai dan minggu-minggu akhir abah.. Abah menyatakan dia berpuas hati dengan layanan aku, adik beradik sepanjang sakitnya.. moga abah benar-benar redha pada diriku.. melihat tahap diri ketika ini, aku langsung tidak layak ke syurga-Mu.. Tapi sekurang-kurangya.. redha abah menjadi salah satu teket penghalang aku dari terus dihumbankan ke neraka-Mu.. Ya Allah.. Astaghfirullah.. Nauzubillahi min zalik..

Dalam masa yang sama.. rasa bersalah kerana tidak menyiapkan tugasan dan menunaikan janji-janjiku pada Prof berganda-ganda.. Perjalanan PhD ku tergendala. ini tidaklah memberi impak negatif yang besar pada diri.. kerana ini lebih personal.. Tapi apabila memikirkan tugas-tugas yang melibatkan Prof dengan pihak yang lain tidak mampu diselesaikan.. hal ini makin menyesakkan fikiran.. Rasa bersalah kerana disebabkan aku.. Prof dalam kesusahan. Orang lain pun turut sama disusahkan..

Ya.. Aku bukanlah orang yang baik jika bukan Allah melindungi aib-aibku.. Tapi mungkin mereka-mereka yang pernah mengenali aku akan menceritakan satu sikapku yang tidak pernah berubah sejak dari dulu.. iaitu aku yang suka membantu dan menolong orang walaupun dalam keadaan aku sepatutnya lebih memerlukan pertolongan.. Pertolongan yang aku berikan sebaik mungkin aku laksanakan.. Selagi boleh aku buat, akan aku buat..

Tapi tahun lepas adalah tahun penuh kesulitan dan kesukaran.. jujur aku cakap.. kalau aku berada dirumah.. seberat mana pun beg, buku, fail kerja yang aku bawak balik.. sebagaimana itulah asal tempat duduknya sehingga ke saat aku melangkah balik semula ke UMP, disitulah keberadaannya. Laptop? Ya, sekali-sekala dibuka.. bukan aku yang membuat kerja tapi adik bongsuku bermain game.. Jarang teramat jarang aku dapat menyiapkan kerja tertangguh sekiranya berada di rumah..

Bukan tidak sedar ada amanah yang digalas, tapi lemah.. lemas.. seriously.. aku tak mampu melawan nafsu jahat dalam diri di batu api kan pula dengan bisikan assyaitanirrajim.. That little conscience yang ada dalam diri.. that feeling of guilty.. terlalu kompleks untuk diceritakan di sini.. Moga entry yang panjang berkarang dalam sambungan seterusnya menyaksikan noktah akhir bahawa inilah yang berlaku sepanjang tahun lepas.. Aku tak akan, tak mungkin, tak nak ulangi lagi di masa-masa hadapan.

Sekali lagi.. cut and paste to "Complexity of Guilt and Conscience Part III"..

Complexity of Guilt and Conscience

Bismillahhirahmanirrahim.. Alhamdulillah.. 

It has been half month of January. I'm still given another chance by Allah The Most Gracious and The Most Merciful.. to breathe the air in this worldly life.. of which I consciously know that Allah is giving another chance for me to lead the rightful path of life. 😔 

Amaran.. 

Entry ini adalah sangat personal dan panjang..! 

Sebagai pedoman aku di masa hadapan.

Entry kali ini aku memilih untuk berbahasa ibunda sebagai keutamaan kerana aku rasa sedikit susah untuk memilih kata-kata yang sesuai dalam English dan terpaksa spend masa yang lama untuk tulis sentences.. Entry ini terkandung kata-kata emosi, kasar dan penuh negativiti.. Dengan harapan, inilah entry terakhir aku menjadi orang yang sedemikian.. kata kawanku.. the Ai Chia.. Tempoh ini adalah tempoh paling WORST aku.. dan ya.. aku mengaku.. 😭😭😭

hurm.. jujur aku cakap.. sebenarnya body text bertajuk "Complexity of Guilt and Conscience" ini telah banyak kali aku tulis, padam, edit, save as draft dari akhir tahun 2016 sampailah ke hari ini belum dapat publish. Aku harap berjayalah aku post entry ini kali ini.. entry pertama di tahun baru ini dengan harapan semoga Resolusi 2018 aku berjaya dicapai dan terlaksana sempurna.. 

Hey diri.! Konon menulis resolusi diri.. kalau engkau masih begini.. tak kan pernah mungkin terjadi.. 

RESOLUSI TINGGAL MIMPI.. RESOLUSI SEKADAR ILUSI..

"Allah tidak akan mengubah nasib sesuatu kaum itu sehingga mereka mengubah keadaan yang ada pada mereka sendiri.." Ar Rad 11.. 

Aku.. Tahun ini.. dah berusia 30 tahun. 30 tahun bukan lagi generasi belia bak kata YBKJ.. 30 tahun sudah sepatutnya berusia dewasa, yang matang tindak tanduk fikirannya... yang bertanggungjawab terhadap setiap consequence keputusannya... Tapi aku.... hari ini.. saat menulis entry ini.. Aku masih bengong... masih bengong seriously.. Entah yang kesekian kalinya.. aku buat perangai bengong sebegini.. sudah-sudahlah tu Nazmy! Makin tahun makin teruk perangai.. berubahlah!

Dulu masa tahun akhir undergrad di USMKKj 2011, aku berbuat salah pada Dr Norlia dengan ponteng kelas Dr. Aku pun tak tahulah kenapa aku buat perangai macam tu.. Cuma bila sekali Dr tanya pasal aku dekat kawan (masa tu aku tak pakai lagi smartfon atau fon canggih-canggih.. cuma pakai telefon 3310 je).. Aku terus jumpa Dr personally dan mintak maaf (moga Dr dah maafkan dan halalkan).. aku ingat sem akhir nilah zaman gelap, zaman jatuh aku.. rupanya tak.. sekarang makin dahsyat dan menjadi-jadi.. Then.. Dr supervised FYP aku sampai boleh siapkan... Alhamdulillah.. berjaya tamatkan degree.. yang pada waktu itu, yang kukira dah hampir nyawa-nyawa ikan.. sumpah.. Kechik, Nisah, Pika, Koi.. aku rasa mereka inilah yang paling layak menjadi saksi betapa besarnya kemungkinan aku untuk extend study masa tu..

Tahun 2011.. aku balik rumah lepas exam final.. dikejutkan dengan keadaan belakang telinga abah dioperate.. Ya Allah.. tak tahu apa gambaran perasaan masa tu.. kata mereka... tak nak bagitahu aku yang tengah exam.. abah pun sihat macam biasa.. dalam hati, tak tahu betapa banyak aku sumpahseranahkan adik-adik aku sebab tak bagitahu. siyes. Alhamdulillah lepas itu.. abah sihat  tubuh badan walaupun telinga abah sentiasa berdarah dan masih sakit.. Kanser stage 1... In shaa Allah boleh ikhtiar penyembuhannya kata abah.. (dalam entry yang akan datanglah mungkin baru aku ceritakan pelbagai cara, pelbagai ikhtiar, pelbagai jalan yang telah abah ikhtiarkan)..

Berbalik kepada kisah complexity dalam diri.. Mungkin dari sinilah bermulanya fasa denial dalam hidup aku... Aku anak sulung dalam keluarga.. Redha ma dan abah sangat didamba.. aku perlu set satu benchmark untuk adik-adik kata abah.. abah nak aku teruskan pengajian sehingga ke peringkat PhD (Ya.. memang inilah jugak impian aku dari zaman sekolah lagi..) dan itulah cantiknya aturan Allah..

September 2013, berdaftar di GSB USM sebagai pelajar MBA-IB.. sem pertama dan aku telah mohon cuti satu bulan kerana ingin berada di rumah menemani adik-adikku.. Ma dan abah dapat ke Mekah menunaikan haji masa ni.. A year after.. September 2014.. sedikit demi sedikit, complexity dalam diri bertambah hari demi hari.. ketika ini berada jauh dari rumah memenuhi MBA IB qualification iaitu student exchange program di Universitas Gadjah Mada, Indonesia.. dikhabarkan berita ma masuk wad dan abah akan hadir sesi kimoterapi kali pertama pada 13 Oct 2014.. aku tahu keadaan makin serius.. konflik dalam diri makin kritikal.. aku balik ke Malaysia menemani abah, ma dan keluarga untuk sesi kimo abah.. sesi-sesi seterusnya aku tidak mampu menghadirkan diri..

Fahamkah kalian perasaan seorang anak.. yang sangat-sangat mengharapkan untuk sentiasa berada di sisi kedua-dua ma dan abah.. rasa bersalah.. rasa berdosa.. rasa sia-sia... rasa anak yang derhaka sebab saat aku sakit elergik ruam gatal2.. tengah malam buta pun abah dan ma bangun sapu ubat (walaupun umur dah lebih 25 tahun masa tu).. ya.. aku menulis sekarang dengan rasa sebak dan sedih sebab abah dah takde dan aku rasa aku tak da buat apa-apa sangat untuk arwah abah masa abah tanggung sakitnya...

Tahun 2015.. aku dah berada di Malaysia untuk semester akhir.. Masa ini buat project management under Dr Rajendran.. Dr Rajen pun baik sangat-sangat.. Tapi.. aku buat perangai. Aku tak datang jumpa Dr untuk present progress.. masa tu, walaupun aku tak datang jumpa Dr Rajen, disebabkan that little conscience yang aku ada.. aku siapkan kerja sebaik mungkin dan aku update pada Dr melalui emel.. sampai akhirnya aku dapat A untuk project management dan membolehkan aku berijazah dengan anugerah dekan buat pertama kalinya sepanjang bergelar pelajar.. Alhamdulillah.. Terima kasih Dr..

Dan masa MBA inilah aku mengenali Prof Hasnah dan Prof Ishak.. yang aku tak dapat nak describe betapa bertuahnya Allah aturkan pertemuan aku dengan Prof berdua yang sangat-sangat-sangat baik, lemah-lembut, rendah diri.. Dua-dua mereka bergelar Dato' namun tak pernah aku setiap kali bersama mereka sewaktu makan atau dimana-mana membahasakan diri mereka Dato'. Kalau di restoran atau kedai makan.. Hanya kata ganti diri Makcik, Pakcik dan Nak yang digunakan ketika memanggil staf atau pekerja untuk memesan makanan... Tamat pengajian di USM.. aku meminta Prof menulis sedikit kenang-kenangan di buku tesis ku.. Janjiku pada Prof untuk sambung PhD bersamanya..

Aku ada tempoh masa dua bulan berada di rumah.. Aku bukan nak menidakkan takdir.. jauh sekali menyalahkan ketentuan yang Allah dah tetapkan. Aku terima qada' dan qadar-Nya.. Tapi mungkin masa tu aku tak tahu macam mana nak tenteramkan hati.. Sejak sesi kimo abah yang ke-4.. side effectnya dah mula menampakkan kesan.. rupa fizikal abah makin berubah.. aku jadi takut.. aku nak berada di rumah sahaja untuk bersama-sama ma dan abah.. Telefon aku pula bermasalah seolah-olah mengiakan keputusan yang aku buat. Mungkin belum masanya untuk aku sambung PhD.. Tapi Allah sebaik-baik Perancang.

Prof cuba hubungi aku.. K.wati pun cuba hubungi aku.. dan akhirnya aku dimaklumkan Prof bahawa beliau meneruskan khidmat di UMP.. kurang 3 jam perjalanan dari rumahku. Terima kasih Ya Allah.. Engkau permudahkan semuanya. Ma dan abah pun sangat-sangat gembira. Dengan bantuan Prof, aku apply dan diterima sebagai pelajar PhD.. kata Abah, Prof berdua orang-orang baik. Tuntutlah ilmu dan belajarlah dari mereka..

Sebulan dua berstatus baru, aku dikhabarkan berita oleh abah bahawa sebenarnya kanser abah dah berada di stage ke-4.. Lagi.. lagi dan lagi.. perasaan takut itu berganda.. perasaan yang bercampur-aduk bertambah kompleks. Dilema seorang anak ma dan abah yang ingin sentiasa berada dekat dengan keluarganya.. ditambah dilema seorang anak murid yang perlu beradab dan belajar dengan gurunya.. Aku cuba menjadi orang yang terbaik bagi kedua-duanya... Jika di rate kan, mungkin 2015/2016 adalah tempoh paling produktif, paling efektif dan paling efisien aku sepanjang hidup 30 tahun.

Akhir tahun 2016.. Keadaan bingung dan bengong aku makin menyesakkan fikiran.. dan 2017 adalah bagiku tahun penuh kesulitan.. konflik.. dan kesedihan.. (untuk tempoh setahun yang lepas dan sehingga ke hari ini.. aku masih belum betul-betul memposisikan diriku di track yang sepatutnya..) Banyak sangat-sangat berbuat salah dan silap kepada Prof berdua.. Maaf Prof.. benar-benar mohon maafkan diri ini.. Halalkan dan redhakan segala perkongsian ilmu yang lepas, kini dan akan datang..

Panjang sangat.. terpaksa cut and paste ke next entry..

"Complexity of Guilt and Conscience Part II"..

Ms. Perfect Melancholy + Peaceful Phlegmatic

Alhamdulillah.. Subhanallah.. Allahuakhbar..

The whole week busy with me-time.. huhuhu.. hopefully tomorrow will be a good kick-start again.. Will be attending the workshop organized by IPS and PGA UMP.. Preparing for some speech as the master of ceremony for this program.. huhuhu.. If possible, I want to excuse myself from it..

Don't know why I can't focus on my work, so I just went through my job application at CAREER @ UMP.. Checking the progress.. but it is still pending.. however.. in one of the links, I found out the personality test.. so, I took it immediately (well.. I am the person who always love to take any personality test.. of course will not let this opportunity pass)..

Upon answering all questions, it turned out that this personality test is similar like I used to take it before.. the four temperament with scored obtained:

Perfect Melancholy : 15

Peaceful Phlegmatic : 13

Powerful Choleric : 8

Popular Sanguine : 5

These scored obtained were more or less similar to previous tests I had taken.. Again.. Perfect Melancholy is the highest score followed by Peaceful Phlegmatic.. What kind of personality associates with these types? I asked some help from Uncle Google.. So here is some sharing of what kind of person a Perfect Melancholy and Peaceful Phlegmatic is..

The Four Temperament page excellently explained who am I..  A Perfect Melancholy (PM) person plus A Peaceful Phlegmatic who is usually associated with these kind of personalities:

First and foremost: a Perfect Melancholic is of course a perfectionist.. (T_T).. PM are idealists who wish for things to be a certain way, and they get distressed when they are not. They hold themselves and others to unrealistically high standards, and get distressed when these standards are not met. This leads to them being self-deprecating - because they do not meet their own standards - and critical of others - because those others do not meet their standards.

PM wish to learn and to understand, to know the details of every little thing, because to be ignorant is to stray from perfection. They are not content to just accept things the way that they are. They are inquisitive and ask specific questions in order to come to a clearer understanding. This leads many of them to be over-analytical, neurotic worriers. PM are very stubborn, because they try very hard to stick to their own carefully considered views and standards of perfection, and are not easily shifted from this path. They do not go with the flow. They are tenacious and cannot let things go, because 'good enough' is not good enough. They strive for perfection. They are very pessimistic, and assume the worst due to these unrealistic standards.

They think and plan before they act; they are not the types who will resort to rash, impulsive behaviour, and will panic if they are unable to plan in advance. It's easier for them to reject and hate things than it is for them to love and embrace them. Their interests and tastes are picked carefully, and they give a lot of attention to each one, and hold them close to their hearts, rather than having many fleeting interests that change quickly and often.

PM complain a lot, in a 'whinging' kind of way rather than a 'put down' or 'demanding' kind of way. They tend to argue, because they cannot simply let things be if they seem wrong. They argue using reason, evidence, logic, and explanations, delivered analytically or with pleading. They only argue to set wrongs right, rather than to assert dominance. The argument is about the issue, not about them. They respond poorly to compliments, often 'rebutting' them by saying that they're not so great after all. "Wow, that's a really nice painting you just made!" "I don't know, the eyes are probably too big..." (rather than "Thanks!").

They will blame themselves for mistakes, because they are acutely aware of their own imperfection. They tend to prefer things to be tidy, organised in some way or another. This doesn't necessarily mean 'neat' as such; often they have very idiosyncratic organisation methods. They are idealists, who imagine perfect fantasies and feel upset when things don't live up to these fantasies. They prefer to tackle the heart of the matter, which can lead to them avoiding 'beating around the bush'.

PM are the most introverted of the temperaments in that they crave time alone, and are most at ease in their own company. They can enjoy spending time with others, but this drains their energy, and they need alone time in order to recharge. Much of their introversion comes from their perfectionism.

They are picky about the sorts of people that they associate with; people who meet their standards and share their outlook. People that don't will make them uncomfortable; they do not wish to talk to 'anyone and everyone'. Their self-deprecation also makes them think that they might not be very interesting anyway, that they aren't really worth spending time with, even if they know in the depths of their minds that they are very interesting indeed.  Once they have someone to talk to in a quiet and relaxed environment, they can talk a lot and will enjoy sharing thoughts and ideas. They are very wary of making friends. Unlike sanguines, it can take them a very long time for them to consider someone they're familiar with a 'friend', but once they've reached this point, they will likely stick with that person loyally.

PM prefer having a few close friends to many acquaintances. They can be seen as selfish, because they prefer to be alone with their thoughts, to have their own things, rather than sharing time or possessions socially with others. They are usually very possessive about the things that they own and are reluctant to let others borrow or use them, because they treat their own things well, care about everything deeply, and will worry that others will not look after them with the same level of care. They could be described as 'intense', rather than 'easy-going'.

Melancholics are very sensitive-emotional. They are moved deeply by beauty, and by distress. They are very easily hurt, because of their perfectionistic tendencies. Often their moods are like delicate glass sculptures; built up slowly, deliberately, and carefully, but easily broken, and hard to repair once shattered. They respond to things that they dislike with misery and with tears rather than with rage. They are very slow to 'snap', but will hold onto emotions for a very long time. They hold grudges, because people who have failed to meet their standards, who have hurt them, will not just suddenly meet those standards without changing drastically. (I am emotional, but towards family and very closed friends..)

They can become very 'moody', and they can be difficult to interact with because they are so easily hurt. They are not aggressive, and wish to flee from things that cause them distress. If they want to get back at another person, they are more likely to make them feel guilty than to insult them bluntly. They are 'thin-skinned'.

The melancholics in ancient age may have been the analysts, the information gatherers. They scouted for potential danger, or for food, and reported back to the pack leader. The more accurate their findings were, the better; this led to a trend towards perfectionism, as the 'analysts' closer to perfection survived better than those that made sloppy mistakes. In current society, PM often tend towards analytical roles such as scientists, analysts, programmers, logicians, and so on. In fantasy settings, they may be wizards or sages.

While for A Peaceful Phlegmatic (PP) are usually associated with these kind of personalities.. Meek, submissive introverts who live to please others. PP do not act as if they are better than others. They are eager to please, and quick to give in to others rather than asserting their own desires as if they're the most important. They take the path of least resistance whenever possible. They so desperately wish for peace, for everyone to get along, and to avoid conflict at all costs.

Conflict terrifies PP. They do not start it (except perhaps in extreme circumstances), or provoke it, and try to defuse it when it comes up. When forced into an argument, they get very upset and distressed, seeking escape rather than victory. If confronted, they are likely to admit that they are in the wrong in order to prevent hostilities. They don't believe that they know best.

They have no desire to be a 'winner'; they only wish for peace. They are well-behaved; rebelling against established rules would feel deeply uncomfortable to them. They're the sort who'd say, worriedly, 'should we really be doing this?' or 'we might get in trouble!'. They really, really do not wish to be a bother to others, and always put others first. This is due to a deep-rooted unease about asserting themselves rather than a lack of confidence, or a conscious desire to be a 'nice person'.

They are quick to apologise for any mistakes that they may have made, and will sacrifice their own happiness to ensure that others are happy. They are empathetic, and acutely aware of the feelings of those that they are interacting with, as they do not wish to hurt these feelings. They have tremendous difficulty saying no, and will go along with things that they dislike to make others happy.

They are extremely trustworthy; if they make a promise, it's very likely that they will keep it (in real life, maybe I am not a good-promise keeper.. huhuhu). PP terrified of doing things wrong. They will blame themselves if mistakes are made, even if it was someone else's fault, just to make others feel better and more at ease. They try and word things in a way that is not offensive to others. The will be more supportive than critical.

PP are indecisive. They'll defer to others to make choices, and will feel upset and pressured if they have to make a decision themselves; this comes from their inability to see themselves in a 'leader' role. They are natural followers, and work best when they are told what to do. Their language is generally full of uncertain phrases such as 'I think', 'maybe', 'perhaps', 'or something'. Compare "maybe you could do X, or something?" to "do X" or "you should do X". (previously this maybe a big yes, but now I can say that I have improved a lot.. maybe related with the personality traits of the first born in the family..)

Rather than saying or doing the wrong thing, they'll say or do nothing at all. Obstacles that get in the way of their steady path will cause them to halt and fumble around, not sure what to do. They're more likely to travel around than through it; their path is easily changed by others. (This also maybe not hundred percent correct.. I believe I am a risk-taker and I love to challenge myself.. I am also very stubborn (or better in better word - determine) to achieve what I want...)

same like PM.. PP are also introverted, and enjoy time alone. However, they are much 'nicer' and more friendly and social than the melancholic, as they're unburdened by 'perfectionism' and as such do not judge others.  They enjoy spending time with friends, and are very loyal to these friends, sticking with them through thick and thin, even through abuse. This is because they put others first, and will not leave another even if they want to because the other person may not want them to leave.

They are almost immune to anger. They have extremely long fuses, and will only snap after a long period of prolonged and persistent abuse. Even then, they're more likely to retreat within themselves and cry than to try to harm another. They like calm and steady lives, free of surprises. They can be relatively confident in familiar situations - if not necessarily assertive - but panic when placed in new ones. They do not seek thrills, and enjoy predictable, quiet, ritualistic lifestyles.

They are very quiet, and do not share their own inner thoughts readily, as they fear judgement and don't wish to bother others by waffling on about themselves. They are however excellent and attentive listeners, who will quietly and politely take in and absorb the conversations of their friends. They will always pay attention, and will offer supportive feedback rather than criticism or advice. They'd never say things like 'bored now', as if it's the duty of others to entertain them. (but those who are very close to me will see I am on the opposite.. I open up myself more, thus, showing my negative attitude such as being ignorance, being too outspoken and so on..)

Since they hate to offend or hurt others, they generally don't ever resort to aggressive insults or attacks. Belittling or hurting another makes them feel bad, not 'powerful and in control' or amused, so they'll worry about having done this accidentally. They could be described as 'nice girls' or, more horribly, 'doormats' by those with different temperaments (hopefully I'm not)..

They barely express emotion at all. While the sanguine might whoop and cheer and jump for joy at the slightest provocation, phlegmatics are unlikely to express more than a smile or a frown. Their emotions happen mainly internally. They lack 'passion', as their emotions are mostly internal. They often rely on others ordering them to do things to get motivation.

In the past, the PP might have been the obedient followers who'd get much of the actual work done at the command of their superiors. They may not stand out, but without them, nothing would work. They are the cooks, the cleaners, the quiet office drones, the red-shirts, the white mages.

Comparing both temperament.. PM and PP are really introverted person.. They are reserved.. have "slow reaction" in terms of getting angry and snapping.. both also have very low self-esteem and are pessimist.. but on the other hand, scoring both PM and PP shows a balance emotional personality - since PM are more emotional in nature while PP are calm and peaceful..

More to read at:

http://temperaments.fighunter.com/?page=comparison
http://www.kerrijokala.com/understanding-personalities-perfect-melancholy
https://www.womenbygrace.com/christian-life/melancholy-personality-type/

More or less.. above "copy pasted" and some other links literally explained what kind of person Nazmy Zaki is..  We have proverb in Bahasa where it said, "Tak kenal, maka tak cinta.." or translated to be "If you don't know me, you will not love me.." x.o.x.o 😇😇😇

p/s: you may think I am maybe different from what stated above.. overall.. I am human.. Human being is very dynamic and relative.. At what time I maybe nice, but another time I maybe so harsh.. Sorry for all my misbehaves.. huhuhu

Kind Words Echo

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim..

Finding the mood to continue writing.. But really can't tune in my brain to that so called technical write up, so me trying to write up the new post for My World of Wisdom.. hurm.. what should I write.. Can't figure out the right title or theme yet.. Let's me just write and see what shall I share for MyWow..

Last few days ago, 26 and 27 of July, I had attended the Postgraduate Research Colloquium organized by our faculty.. Faculty of Industrial  Management (FIM).. On day one, the guest speaker, Dr Teo Bee Yap had given a very inspiring talk.. Dr Teo is the Executive Director of Skynet.. He already obtained a PhD and currently is undertaking another doctoral study for Islamic Finance.. He shared his life journey of persevering education to become who he is now.. Too many inspiring words that he shared and among some words of wisdom are:

"Education is life-long journey. It is always part of our life. 

Enhance your value by continuous learning. 

Set the long term goals (3-5 years), set milestones, review the goals weekly. 

Keep challenging yourself..! Don't stay in your comfort zone.

Always feel that you have not achieve something. 

Be "unhappy" with your current achievement. 

Thus, it will force you to keep on learning..

Be expert in area of interest.

Be ready for the opportunity. Keep on doing "research".

The only thing that enable us to achieve everything in our life is:

be willing to change..! and one of the most crucial thing is

know yourself..! Know your own strengths and weaknesses.."

Thank you so much Dr Teo for these words of wisdom.. actually there were many other sessions during the colloquium, but too many to include it here. So maybe in another entry.. For this post, I would like to highlight the theme of "Know Yourself"..

How to know our own self? There are various ways to get to know our self better.. One of the way is to carry out psychology tests.. There are lot of free tests and paid tests that we can take.. It gives us the marks and percentage of which group we are in or what personality type we are, so on and so forth..  Another way is to meet the counselor or psychologist themselves. These professionals study and are being trained specifically to handle "human being". Thus, having an appointment with them will give us direct consultation on who we are and how can we change our self for becoming better..

As for me, I used to have my own style of asking people around me about who am I and what kind of person I am to them.. Since my younger age, I used to keep a "biodata" book which friends and relatives wrote inside it (I still keep them till now).. during my secondary school, as a school prefect, we used to conduct activities and so on. This was the first time ever, when I requested my friends or juniors to write a personal evaluation about me anonymously.. Since then, I used to do it and keep on reviewing the comments.. Some parts I had changed a lot, but some parts are still the common comments I received. Especially on being introvert, timid, shy and nervous person.. Among others are being "stone-heart", strict, fierce, arrogant and so on.. 

The latest comments I received are from this early year when I requested my PGA family and some of new friends at UMP to give their feedback and evaluation about myself. There are few comments that really make my days.. and I keep on reading them occasionally to boost up my self-esteem.. These comments are: 

"For my opinion, you have a very good spirit and your attitude reflects your wonderful personality, and same goes to your skills and capabilities. Honestly, I impressed with your ability to manage all PGA without any conflict with any person among PGA.."

"Perfect, adorable, always a smiley face makes you beautiful. To be honest everything is complete, specially your smile.."

"You are calm and you always smile. You are also cautious and thoughtful.."

"Good in manner, great personality, awesome to be friend with. You are the best in the way you are, keep being yourself.."

😍😍😍 I truly thank you so much Mr@Ms Anonymous for these kind words.. ya.. there are few others more, but these comments are among the most nicest comments I received. Because, it really against what I used to be.. I am totally imperfect and I always pray that I will really become a calm person instead of having nervous breakdown.. Even at the moment, I really have hard time to manage good relationship with others.. 

but really.. kind words echo.. It really makes my day when I feel a little bit stumbled in my journey.. (as of right now..).. Nevertheless, I wish that every people I had encountered with, will encounter and currently engaged with have a slightly positive thought about myself (even just a word). This is because my father always said that if 40 people who are really close to us, keep on saying that we are good and kind people, then, yes, it is a prayer that we are really belong to a group of good and kind people and that we will be one of them.. aminn ya rabbal alamin..

It is almost 3 am.. have to finish my entry write up.. My "lonjakan strategik" report is waiting.. huhuhu.. Just in case, you are reading my personal sharing in My World of Wisdom.. herewith I enclosed the link for you to give your personal evaluation about myself. Feel free to write anything you want coz it really is anonymous.. For your honesty and fair evaluation, I am genuinely thank you so much from the bottom of my heart.. 

👉👉👉"Nazmy's Personal Evaluation"👈👈👈

A Friend for Nazmy is..

"Friend is Family"

A true friendship doesn't need daily conversation. It does not assume the worst, even when communication is lacking. Strong friendships survive the storms of this life because they believe the best about each other. As long as the friendship lives in the heart, true friends will never part.. (by anonymous)

Just like a family.. Sometimes (maybe most of the time), I rarely texted my blood-related brother or sister to ask how are they, what they are doing, so on and so forth.. yet, I know that they are always there for me.. every minute and every second.. thus, who are friends? Friend is family..

We are all one big family.. The Almighty Allah has created us in all kind of races, from all sorts of life, from all walks of life.. so that, we can get to know each other and keep on living this worldly life in harmony.. Life is short and it is only the place to grow up the 'crops' that we will harvest in the life hereafter..

Thus, I always try to make more and more friends.. Trying to be good to everyone.. Yes, there is always quotes saying that "You can't satisfy everyone's need, you can't please everyone for everything they want".. yet.. I try my best to serve all my friends as per my family.. Fighting is normal.. Not talking is normal.. At the end, birds of the same feather flocks together..

From Anas bin Malik (may Allah be pleased with him): The Messenger of Allah (Sollallahu alaihi wa sallam) said that, "Do not desert (stop talking to ) one another, do not nurse hatred towards one another, do not be jealous of one another, and become as fellow brothers and slaves of Allah. It is not lawful for a Muslim to stop talking to his brother (Muslim) for more than three days (Hadith Bukhari and Muslim)..

Can't wait for this coming Saturday.. we are going to have our PGA 2016 Get Together.. counting every hour for this gathering.. It has been too long since our last time together.. PGA Family 2016 is one of the best things (can't find the right word) that I will always cherish and love..

Recapitulation of My One Year Life

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim..

Finally..

It is already 3rd September, yet, this is the very first entry for the year 2016.. 

One of not so achievable target.. *sigh* 

Life is never so dull for the past previous twelve months.. tonnes of things happened that should be shared and carved in MyWOW.. My World of Wisdom.. I don't wanna miss a single thing.. yet.. it is always overtaken by my not-so-willing-to-write attitude.. What happened my dear self..? #mohonjadirajin boleh..!?

A Quick Recap of My Life..

Sept 07, 2015.. officially registered as a PhD student at Universiti Malaysia Pahang under supervision of the most generous, the most compassionate husband and wife.. Professor Dato' Dr Hasnah Haron and Professor Dato' Dr Ishak Ismail.. whom I have known since furthering my master study at USM three years ago.. So bless to know them and to learn directly from them..

Sept 15, 2015.. around 4:30 pm.. received text through whatsapp from my uncle.. saying that my closest auntie passed away.. Al fatihah for her.. may Allah forgive her and gather her around those good and selected people.. I did face this sad news of the death of my closest ones who were both my grandmothers and cousin in 1999, 2003 and 2006 respectively.. Yet.. I had never been so 'close' to them.. I kept my distance, I recited Qur'an faraway and did not look upon them even when the white kafan was to cover them all up.. despite being called by my mother and relatives.. but for this time.. I was beside arwah Che Yah.. reciting the Qur'an phrases by phrases.. very near and close.. still until the end, I refused to look at Che Yah's face even though people came and opened the cover in front of me.. I am not strong enough.. that's why Ya Allah.. please.. give me enough time with my parents..

Oct 03, 2015.. a memory carved in MyWOW.. thank you Allah.. now.. counting the days for another month.. please Allah.. grant me the chance to be a better me.. hopefully this year is the last year owning the title of 'single and available'.. if I am to live for the following Oct 2017, may You grant me the partner of my life.. (wishing someone to come, greet my parents and promise them that he will take responsibility of me very soon).. Amin ya Allah...

Oct 30, 2015.. I knew it might be the case but trying hard to believe in other way round.. until this day when Abah told us that he is suffering the stage four cancer.. can't say anything more.. but Allah.. please.. please grant him health.. please grant both my parents longer life.. please grant us enough time to be together without regret, without repentant, without feeling remorseful..

Nov 18, 2015.. one of the best milestones ever.. Alhamdulillah.. thank you Allah.. thank you Ma.. thank you Abah.. thank you my families.. thank you my great teachers and lecturers.. thank you all who had made one of my dreams came true.. my convocation day and waiting for the next convocation.. in shaa Allah.. as per doa abah and the wishes in whatsapp group.. same date: "abah bangga dengan anak2 abah.. along sedang buat phd.. angah unimas kepujian.. abg scond class upper uum.. kakak upm klas pertama insyaallah.. mad captain.. ifah n adik pasti oversea.. abah n maa sangat bangga.. teruskan perjuangan.." it's a big responsibility for me.. Doakan along abah.. in shaa Allah.. along akan jaga adik2 seperti yang abah harapkan..

~hadiah untuk ma dan abah..~

Dec 12, 2015.. Guess what else is the most important date other than this is? Happy anniversary Ma, Abah.. 29 years counting.. huhu I could only send a simple wishes on this date last year.. Hopefully, this year 12/12/2016 we can celebrate more.. the 30 years of being together with each other.. having Along and the other six siblings as part of the miraculous moments in both of your life.. Thank You Ma.. Thank You Abah.. Thank you Allah for giving me this family..

Dec 18, 2015.. it is officially announced that I will be leading the UMP Postgraduate Association which never in my life I would dream for it.. yes, I used to be in a student society's, association and student's movement.. I love to organize events and occasions but I really do not prefer to be the main leader.. And during the Gala Night Dinner on this date, I was invited to be on the stage in front of more than 200 staff and postgraduate students as the new appointed president.. Is it hard? Yes, it is.. It is difficult? Yes, it has never been easy.. Yet since then, I get to know lot of people.. I learn lot of things..

Dec 24, 2015.. Again.. received another sad news through whatsapp.. My childhood friend, my dearest friend whom I shared more than half of my life with.. she had loss her father previous day.. My dear friend, we did not meet until now since that news came from you.. we have known each other since 1996 and I treasure you at the most special place deep in my heart.. truly, I am really sorry and I wish I was there.. I love you and will always love you Sahabatku..

Jan 1, 2016.. New year came.. New targets was made on this very first day.. yet, not even one achieved (*sigh*).. Dear Nazmy Zaki.. you have less than four months to clear up at least some of the aims listed in your 2016..

Jan 16, 2016.. it was Abah's 53 years birthday... huhu Along can't give anything except for the prayers.. May Allah keep borrowing this great man in my life and my families.. May Allah grant the cure for all the sickness and illness..

Feb 27, 2016.. Even we are geographically far apart, family will always connected deep in heart.. Thank you ma, thank you abah.. thank you my dear brother for driving them to UMP after long time I could not be at home.. huhu..

Mac 1, 2016.. Received a screen captured photo by my sister.. our dearest uncle put up the comment of his birthday.. so sad, so touched.. Maafkan kami Pok Mat.. huhu... will be more concerned and sensitive in future..

May 11, 2016.. it's our beloved Ma's birthday.. Happy birthday Ma.. I wished I could be home.. luckily.. on May 14, 2016.. Ma, abah, angah and iffah came to UMP.. Happy to treat them to Seoul Garden Mega Mall, Kuantan.. Alhamdulillah.. ma and abah enjoyed a lot.. happy happy happy.. thanks so much Allah.. I wish I can do even more for them..

Jun 4, 2016.. Organizing PGA Interaction Day.. huhu I knew myself is not a good leader.. a lot to improve on.. Even though, it is quite bold of me to say this.. but... I'm glad.. it was successfully executed within very short period of time.. Thank you so much for the great team work and supports by fellow PGA colleagues..

Jun 16, 2016.. passed one of the PhD milestones i.e. proposal defense.. it was tense, it was highly nervous for me since I did not fully prepare.. Alhamdulillah.. it went alright.. huhu but until now I still did not manage to do the correction.. hoho.. will do it soon..

July 6, 2016.. Alhamdulillah.. celebrating Eidul Fitri.. they said it red, we said it maroon.. hehe.. whatever it was, we were happy and enjoyed so much.. Wishing for another year and years coming, may we always be together.. maybe with a new family member.. huhuhu counting days to days.. still waiting for the mysterious figure.. Rabbi yassir wa la tu'asir.. rabbi tamim bilkhair.. amin ya Allah..

~More than Enough~

Aug 16, 2016.. huhu had only short holiday for Hari Raya.. after arriving at UMP for few weeks.. received the news that one of our dearest teachers fall sickness and was admitted at General Hospital, Terengganu.. huhu planned to visit him since Hari Raya.. Allah loves him more.. May Cikgu Salmi Senik rest in peace.. may Allah forgive all his sins.. may Allah grant him the happiness in life hereafter.. He taught me since I was in primary school, SK Tok Jiring.. He taught all of my six siblings.. May Allah pay all his good deeds and his devotion in shaping us into the useful and valuable human resource.. Alfatihah.. Thank you so much Cikgu.. Tenanglah di sana..

Aug 20, 2016.. Congrats my dear sister for your award of "Leftenan Muda".. so proud of you.. since you were little, you had always dreaming of becoming an officer in uniform.. You might has forgotten this, but.. once I did tell you the story about the Palapes.. where you can pursue your passion for both studies and uniformed unit.. Congrats again.. You did the best far above us.. Every semester scored Dean's List and now another one step forward.. Aye aye captain.. You deserve it..

Yet.. on the very same date.. through the photos posted by Ma in our whatsapp group.. I was crying.. I feel so sad to see our father's condition in one of the photos.. He looked so pale.. He looked so sick.. Ya Allah.. please.. please.. grant him good health.. or at least reduce down the suffers he faced..

"Please Allah.. Grant them good health.."

Aug 26, 2016.. very recently.. my dear sister Iffah was warded and had a three hours operation for appendicitis.. alhamdulillah.. she's good now.. huhu I'm sorry my dear sister for not going back home.. can only keep wishing for you.. See you this Eidul Adha.. on 31 Aug.. had a long talk over the phone with her.. Again.. feeling very bad and sad.. huhu.. she said.. Abah told her that he always pray to Allah to keep away the sickness and illness from us and put them on him.. (Y_Y) huhuhu.. "Allahumma firlana zunubana waliwalidina warhamhuma kama rabbayana soghira.."

Sept 3, 2016.. it's today.. and it's my first entry of the year.. recapitulating every thing, yet, not all can be written here.. huhu.. if there is the best answer to this questions: What is the best and greatest thing I wish for? I would say.. Please Allah.. grant me the calm heart and mind.. that's the only one I need..

Dear everyone.. thank you so much for being part of my life.. you had made a title, a chapter, a paragraph, and a note in my story of life.. My World of Wisdom.. Early birthday wishes to myself: "Be a girl with a mind, a woman with attitude and a lady with class.." Thank you so much Prof for the golden advice today.. I'll be a stronger person in shaa Allah.. 

For my dearest friends and families whom I have been treated unfairly, unjustly, cruelly, falsely, harshly.. I am really sorry.. I know I was even worse before and I'm trying hard to bring out only the best and positive in me.. honestly.. I never have bad intention and I wish all of us can reside next to each other in the life hereafter.. together in the heavenly park with The Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him), his dearest families and 'alim ulama.. Please pray for me so that I can be strong, patience and have a big heart..